i keep having dreams in which im in very old rooming houses where i used to live in my early 20s and before, most of which dont even exist today, or if they do im not aware of them. dreams about traveling thru towns, and staying at homeless shelters. Since im old, i dont want to sleep outdoors anymore, and i havent in like over 6 years now. But this is the first time my roll has been $1300 in a very very long time and im extremely worried. The last time my roll was that low, it wasnt as bad because i was getting SSI, and some of the time i had an apt to go home to i was paying rent at for $200 a month is all including utilities. u see i wish i had a place like that to go to now, but of only course if i was there entirely alone. why i wont go live with my mom, and she would charge me rent too. i've looked for cheap housing, and i just cannot find it. prices are NOT what they were in 1988-1994 when i was age 19-25 and i lived in those $40-60 a week rooming houses in old motels. some of which were in places like dubuque iowa and tama ia, small towns where i wouldnt be unsafe living that cheap. and of course, lyons ks in 2006-2007. and dont forgot in 2004, the apt for $230 a month in butte MT, where a little more than half of my online poker play was on paradise, party poker, or pokerstars instead of at the local bar games.
Butte has the small town feel, and it was safe. u couldnt find any hookers there, not even thru backpage.com. and the local republican party didnt have any real office headquarters to watch the election results in, which is as i talked about before why they offered to let me watch them come in at thier house. Which, except for being an Iowa delegate for pat robertson in 1992 was about the extent to which ive gotten politically involved in volunteering. Kind of wish i was back in a place like that, i need somewhere to live cheap, as im very worried about homelessness.
ive experienced far more poverty and homelessness than most white people have, and its had a deep influence of my fears of others who are also poor, but do not identify with me and who think i am the "rich oppressor". another big part of why i cant identify with them is because many are always holding a cig or a beer, which bugs me so much and is such a waste of money when u are that bad off for money. the fact i didnt do those things is why i always felt i was entitled to panhandle when broke because i was "putting the money to wise use investing it". panhandling as much as gambling was my whole life about ages 19-32, and is why my entire normal social life was skipped over, and why i have NO relationship experience, no job experience, no marriages, etc that others have had many times over. is why i am so backwards socially, and i dont know how much of that was caused by the autism.
i did what i had to do to survive, and i make no apologies for that, without it, id been dead or out of action totally. i can remember for years never having a roll above $2000 instead of never below. and i was seriously thinking for the last few years all those years were behind me, especially once i started getting ssi. And then i lost it because i dont believe in govt handouts unless u really need them, and that was the worst thing that couldve happened to me, now i cannot get reapproved for nothing. for SSI turned me down for reinstatement.
so after losing $461 due to losing my discipline to follow the bankroll rules i tried to follow, i went back to my room severly pissed off at MYSELF for my total lack of the discipline i need to break myself of my bad habits. Usually i turn to Josie for help, but shes not too happy with me at the moment and ive never meant to do anything to upset her or to mistreat her, ive mistreated others she knows, but never anyone i thought was a real friend. only when ive thought someone isnt or never was. i played a long time, about 6 hours, earning enough comps to carry my room now up til wednesday checkout, but was still out a little over $70 just due to bad variance. all the bets were under $10, but when trying to get out of the hole, i lost a few $14 bets, some $21 bets and then 6 bets of $42 each, and ended up stuck very huge. and went to my room to hang out online, and yes i do things in my room besides gamble, alot of time is spent playing candy crush saga on facebook with lovetoflop from allvegaspoker and neverbeg websites, she loves that game too, and i wish more friends on facebook would join so they could help me move up in levels etc.
but i cant just sit in a room and play games if i have to pay for housing, and if i leave this casino i will need to do that, and i am 100% sure if i played poker anywhere other than online, id feel that due to the rake and my roll being so low i wouldnt be able to beat the game. (online i feel i can beat low stakes games). Problem is online a lot of the low stakes games are so incredibly low i worry about winning over $1 per hour. on lock im comfortable playing 2 or 3 $5 sngs at a time is all. never been a multitabler. not as many $25 sngs run.
i wont be able to be here too much longer, am starting to have employees think im weird and everyone can see how upset i am about this loss. Such as a couple of other customers, and the cocktail waitress, and an afternoon slotperson, but as far as that goes, the night shift swing or grave slot floorman/casino manager is really nice and helpful and does things like i want it. i can talk to him and he listens without getting mad, which calms me down. but at times im almost the only customer. i just wish i couldve found out if the common wisdom is true or not about not ever going broke with a max bet of 1/200th of the bankroll. i guess that means now my spread is only supposed to be $1-6. maybe if id have followed the advice before i got so horribly low it might actually worked when the spread was a little wider. some people have even said up to 1% of the roll is ok instead of half a percent.
now as things continue to deteriorate im sure im lose the phone and the net but in the meantime we can still converse, once i lose my internet access the blog is done. i cannot afford to get paying them, nor for a place to get mail anymore. to facilitate this, i completely shut down the forum, deactivated it permanently meaning no trace of it ever exists. which is good, because without feeling the need to win everyday (many said i shouldnt) i wont go on tilt. wanting to report a win to make readers proud-- and feeling a sense of relief this blog will remain going-- causes me to try too hard to NOT have to tell others i lost. maybe im only deceiving myself, but i sure wish i could know for sure.
we all know id never be able to find work, thats why i worry so much. maybe id have no excuse had romney got elected, but we all know he did not, so look for massive unemployment and inflation soon. i see many conservative websites claiming 2013 will bring 50% unemployment and 100% inflation once the debt crashes the whole economy, which is obamas aim to destroy america and make it into the 3rd world country with no power to ever again be a force to reckon with any muslim nation. right after he got elected stocks dropped huge and many employers began laying people off due to not being able to afford obamacare.
had romney gotten elected the poor and unemployed wouldve soon had many oppotunities open up. i cant believe how dumb the poor were not to see romney as their only chance to get ahead in life, their racial hatred of white people must of really blinded them. obama only got 39% of the white vote but he still won.
and with that i must sleep, my blogs are getting rather long, and i guess thats what happens when u feel the need to talk from the heart. i miss having a really close friend to confide in like britni was, online hours a day to talk to.