I'm getting tired of NOT having a regular pillow, (having to use the couch cushion as a pillow) and not having a blanket, but a cheap $2 sheet bought at the thrift store, because why pay $8 for a very nice blanket i saw almost like the same one i had at moms house if theres a very good chance ill be moving out once the 2 weeks are up because i wont be able to afford my rent since im not playing $1-2 NL and the smaller games its harder to overcome the rake and jackpot drops. Especially with this damn $2 jackpot drop everywhere.
This of course is the same reason i bought a limited amount of food, only 1 cereal bowl for 50c in the thrift shop, NO pan, no dishsoap, 1 towel, already had 2 washrags, etc. a lot of things id desperately need if i was staying here long term i didnt buy. am still extremely worried about money, (in a way i wouldnt be if i had $3000). Rolls still in the $1600s, and im lucky to have that, with all the expenses in moving in, and having recently paid my internet bill. I shouldve bought a larger size milk though, (so i could have something to drink, and to eat cereal). i didnt realize how fast the smaller size one would disappear. the smaller size one is also more expensive per ounce. And I'm still seeing a lot of roaches in here even after they sprayed a day or 2 ago. i think the maintenance guy couldve sprayed a bit more. he said i could contact the office again in a couple days to spray again. Is the borax mom suggested expensive to buy, and would it do more good than him spraying?
Yes, i am very lucky to have a microwave. They told me in the office the room didnt have a microwave, but it did. I did NOT want to lose that other microwave, thats why i went back to get it with vince. i think i couldve fought it legally at the time as an unlawful eviction and maybe they had them in storage somewhere, but never bothered.
and i have not played a single video poker machine probably not in 2 months. i cured myself of that bad habit. And since returning to vegas, i havent played a VBJ machine either, mainly because ive not been around the same kind as they have out in Jean, and i certainly dont want to play any other kind. So I'm playing nothing but live poker, and online poker, no table games either. Has that gotten me my bankroll back and overcame all my worries? well no, but had i never played anything the entire last year that i didnt think was plus EV, id have lost a lot less on machines. id still had the final drop from $4000 to $1000 because i thought the other VBJ could be beat, but i sure wouldve cut out all the times i lost a few hundred on bad machines like the wynn and all the bad ones in various harrahs properties. And then the roll wouldve been a whole lot higher than $4000 to begin with. And of course, its also been a long long time since ive even considered giving any money to any woman, except of course, the cocktail waitress.
Claudia (who never ever talks to me, answers emails, or take phone calls) always said i had a gambling problem and I'd never get rid of it without mental health counseling. While she was here, she didnt seem to have a problem with me gambling for a living, even though she went to arrange hooking me back up with SSI, and had poker Johnny take me to an apt with SSI. But after she left, and told me a few weeks later she couldnt handle having a relationship with me because I'm too much drama and stress, (and after i had lost my apartment at harbor Island by the Hard rock--and my roll was MUCH less) which is why i kept telling her how i worried id lose everything if i continued to play $1-2 NL, (even though my cell phone records showed me winning over $3000 in 5 weeks time at it) Funny how i thought playing $1-2 might get me broke when thats what i was winning at, but the much more severe variance and swings at it scare u to death when u have almost nothing left. This is why im still not playing $1-2 NL, although if i was 20 yrs younger id have thought NOTHING of playing it even with a roll of about $1000 LESS. Too old to sleep outdoors and on buses anymore, i slept on those things back in my 20s, and lived most of those years without an apt, and its why ive had so many bad experiences and have a warped view of life and relationships.
I guess what im trying to get at, is its not the gambling i need the counseling for, its other issues. She told me id never make it without trying to get hooked up with social services and that i should be out trying to find a job. She actually said that i shouldnt ever be in a casino again without having counseling first, because i would NEVER be able to stop gambling on -EV games. I think pretty much anything she ever told me or thought about me was wrong, because it seems like ive pretty much stopped those activities entirely. (she also wouldnt believe the dealers angels VBJ machine was +ev). She also didnt think i could make it at poker either, said i get too emotional or whatever. I am sure i can make it at poker, the ONLY reason i might not and worry so much about it is because my bankroll is way too short to make it, not my poker skills, for the phone records i used to keep when i played NL proves that. the only reason im not keeping them now is there isnt a way to seperate NL and other types of games, and i dont want to mix them any worse than they already got mixed.
Claudia pretty much set out to destroy my whole life. I guess because she was angry at me that i loved the relationship we had when she was here, and wanted our life back. I dont know if she originally intended to do that when she first considered writing a magazine article about me, or if she took that turn when she became angry i wouldnt just consider her a former fling and let her go, she became really angry at me when she realized relationships were not something i see frivoulousy and wanted a real friend, and the real thing. And that certainly wasnt what she wanted, was to show any real caring or any real friendship. All she wanted was to quickly get away, and to forget she ever had invited me into her life. I think this started because she wanted to keep our relationship secret at the beginning, and i wanted to tell everyone, and she only wanted me to talk with Josie and possibly Grump. But not to ever be mentioning her in the blog.
Claudia set out to destroy my life so much, she even called the police on me while i was in Jean, to come check on me to make sure i was ok and wasnt going to harm anyone or myself. And i told Josie and lightning about it a week or 2 ago and had a long talk with lightning, and now Josie wont hardly speak to me either due to all the stress. I was so upset i couldnt depend on Claudia to talk to anymore, i started to depend on Josie way too much, she couldnt handle it, and also dropped out except to wish u all a merry christmas on my blog. I last heard from Claudia several days before xmas. not once over xmas, no card, no text no nothing. and wont ever again either. Claudia did that, after i told her how i was feeling so depressed about her not talking to me, and how i told her the shooter up there probably had friends just like her that had given up on him, and maybe id turn out like him someday, but i assured her i wasnt dangerous and would never harm innocent kids, only those whove caused me serious problems in life, so why she did that ill never know. She shouldve known a lot better, anyone who knows me knows im completely afraid of violence, and wouldnt ever be around guns, or harm a flea, and i hate those who harm animals too, especially cats. Has a reason to do with why i dont like my son Mark. Anyone who knows me knows all i am is talk when im mad. so why she scared me to death, told security in Jean about the 86 at the mirage, and had cops knocking on my door asking me if im ok or need to talk to anyone, is beyond me. im lucky security told the cops they didnt mind me staying there, and all was still cool after the cops left. and shes never contacted me again at all.
This hurt because i felt like she was someone i could really trust, who had at least some type of feelings and care towards me. But not having Josie around bothers me more so than Claudia, but Josie is just worn out with all the stress, she dont feel the same anger and bitterness and hatred of me that Claudia feels i think. I wish Claudia couldve just had the secret affair with me she wanted, and still be looking forward to coming to vegas and seeing me again, instead of letting herself get so emotionally worked up over little things id do or say, and just stayed out of the other problems going on in my life. she didnt have to be my counselor adviser and social worker too. she couldve just been my lover and nothing else. all i really needed was a hug and a kiss, not someone who tried to get so involved they wanted me to give up all gambling and spend the whole day around severly retarded people, and now even got seattle irish thinking that way too.
basically all i wanted was a woman to see me as "normal" and capable of having a regular bf gf type relationship, go places, movies, dinners, walks, etc with. something to do to take the break from poker others wanted for me. not one whod constantly be telling me i shouldnt gamble and get counseling.
me losing so much in the past due to playing games i shouldnt outside of poker doesnt mean any of those things. it just means i should stick to what is most productive for me. i cannot create a new life, by doing things i am NOT HAPPY and NOT COMFORTABLE doing, and her and seattle irish think i should. i'm going to live my life the way i always have, and thats doing what i want to do with my time, and what makes me happy. i shouldnt have to change and give up my life for anyone. i was the happiest and most relaxed the time i was in Jean not stressed about bills, and yet because i had less money she thought i was at my worst. why did i get a text a few weeks ago when lightning was going to be in town saying she hoped i was really happy and would enjoy the weekend with him, if what she really wanted was not what makes me happy, but what she wanted me to do with myself?
i think she was just terrible embarrassed she ever liked me in the first place, and was worried it would make it harder to get hired at the wsop in the future, she essentially told me this, and thats why she begged me not to say things in my blog she told me about various players and dealers which of course ive respected. But she didnt seem to in turn think i was a real person worthy of likewise being treated with respect, not a piece of trash u throw away if its inconvenient. I guess thats too much to expect of someone who supports abortion.