Ok, I'm pissed. (actually i shouldnt be, I'm doing well compared to about 3 weeks ago when i was down to $1100 now that im back to $1700 and wouldve been $1800 if seattle irish is still able to buy my allegiant voucher) but i am neverless. why? Because lightning36 said both on twitter (and by text message) that i was a bad friend and treat my friends like shit. i cannot think of a time ive ever done that intentionally, everytime i have it was either because i didnt believe the person was really a friend, or that i wasnt "treating them shitty", or wasnt aware that what i was doing was something that would be considered "shitty". Basically what im saying is that i dont know how to make friends, i guess because of the autism.
Tired of people disappearing out of my life, then blaming me for it, or never being there in the first place. especially when ive reached out to be a friend in the first place. This especially applies to a lot of women who've disappeared. Some of whom i wasnt interested in as a girlfriend because once i got to know them, they werent really a very nice and friendly person, but still felt like they should talk and not ignore me. No, i'm not referring to whom u think i am. She still talks to me, but extremely rare occasions. im talking about people who i found out werent too nice, such as Carmen, whose just a friend on facebook. (remember her friend Amanda who screwed me out of $10 for that picture?)She gets on all the time for the candy crush saga game as far as sending "gifts" back and forth, but as far as answering anything else no replies. just look.
message from me--
candy crush saga? u was never listed on list of people playing this game, must be new. anyway, if uve seen my blog, does the salvation army have any lists of rooming houses for men that are exceptionally cheap like $100 or less by the week to move into without any upfront costs? it would sure keep a lot of people from being homeless, why dont they buy old buildings and rent them to people without other options? some of us are too afraid to stay there because id be sleeping with strange guys and u were safe cause u was in a room exclusively women. i dont see why they cant find someone cheap housing to keep them off the streets. how is anyone supposed to get off the streets without a huge ton of money to pay for a lot of things upfront? this is a service sorely needed.
the one and ONLY message sent back to me is below, NONE of the others were ever responded back to.
im going to alumni tonight though
so i'll ask them
thanks, hope the comment about avoiding certain family and friends wasnt referring to me, ive never called u to bug u, all i did was send a text one time. i wouldnt think that anyway except for the fact u didnt reply at the time. when im broke i never try to talk to women unless its for something important like asking how the salvation army programs can assist. only time i talk to women is when im doing well and want to celebrate because then i feel like i deserve to be happy, if u understand. i hope they have leads to cheap safe rooming houses. the replies on my blog are suggesting places id have to pay upfront by the month or $150 and up a week (way too high) and whose gonna rent to someone without being able to prove an income at all? this is why i shouldve never let my ssi get cut off, and ive been denied getting back on and need to fight it. i wish id got into a nice safe cheap apt on a 1 yr lease back when i had money. unlike other homeless people i cant spend my last $1200 finding housing, or there goes my last way to earn some money. i have to hold onto it. which makes it harder
so what did the salvation army say about housing leads for cheap rooming houses for men?
ur going to the aria blogger event? not me wrong location. no buyin anyway, i need my money.
i too think i could score good on an interview since im good at puzzles for example, bejeweled, candy crush, but as far as places not hiring felons, u are right, and i never know what to say. my felony is much older it was way back in 1990. but im still supposed to list it and i know it will make it hard to get a job, am sick at all the comments on my blog claiming i just dont want to work. sure i think im far more cut out to win the money at games of skill but for all my blog readers to claim i just dont want to work is a damned lie. its because i know i wont get hired. any advice to get rid of the old felony?
ur friend lightning36 is in town (blogger) and would like to meet u. shall i tell him ur phone? of course, i wouldnt do this without permission
Seen 8:20 Pm
------------------ok u see how i wasnt asking for any type of relationship, no hanging out or anything of the kind, just wanted to know about someone whose had experience in dealing with the inner workings of the salvation army, and about HOW to find a job with a felony conviction. and yet still no replies. u remember the only time i heard from her (except at the beginning) was when she was using drugs over last christmas, right before she entered the jail. even tried to arrange a meeting with lightning to be nice to lightning. felt i owed him something. and u also remember i went down to the jail and put $5 on her books but decided i better not try to visit just in case i had a warrant. and u also remember how when Claudia checked, it was found out that no i had no warrants. she went to 3 different courts.
what im saying is when i try to just be nice, or to ask for advice and dont bug someone in any way, they still arent nice and friendly and helpful. people are essentially just rude to me all the time i feel, and it has a big effect back on how i feel like i should act towards others. i already assume people are evil in nature and unfriendly and unkind, because that is what the Bible (and God) teaches. To say man is basically good is to call God a liar, how can lightning say this and still claim to be a Christian?
copied from the Bible---
How much more abominable and filthy is man, which drinketh iniquity like water?
Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?
then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Remember the blog i told u about yesterday by poker player and dealer Matt Cheney Christ follower on my facebook page? the one that im sure none of u bothered to read, not even pokerdogg and seattle irish? the one in which i said i feel guilty because i dont alot of times treat others the way God wants us to because i get mad and stressed so easily due to the very stressful life i must go thru? yeah its hard to do the right things in life. Doing the wrong thing is a lot easier, and a lot more human to do also. (notice that i said human, not humane.) anyway what im saying is that sometimes i try to do the right thing, but its not easy or all the time.
but i did try to make lightnings week in vegas an enjoyable one, and i did try to spend as much time with him as possible, because id considered him to be a real friend. im not sure what im thinking this morning. I considered Mark, the room manager at the Riviera to be a friend also, and yet lightning was there when he got mad at me Sunday morning, and then lightning claimed that it was ME who was in the wrong. And all i had said to Mark (after being upset the $2-6 spread limit didnt go that i was told had gone every morning but 1 in the last month) that i would never believe him again. (id lost $46 of a $50 buyin playing NL that i knew better than to play and swore i wouldnt play but i was waiting for lightning). shortly after lightning came, i quit the game about 3 more rounds, and wouldve quit sooner had i known he had a car within walking distance. mark said that it was good that he saw lightning, and that he wish he couldve said the same for me. But he was having a bad day, hed spoke earlier about someone (cant remember who) in his family being sick.
anyway what i was originally going to talk about in this blog, (then got sidetracked and never got around to discussing) was that i was intending to spend the whole time with lightning and having some discussions that we never had about what i need to do and how to get my life in shape. I never once asked lightning for any money, and any favors i wanted that involved him going out to casinos i wouldve repaid for by taking him out to eat at the wynn, either very cheaply or free if it was a big favor. theres nothing else to do with those comps, they cant easily be sold since i have to be in the restaruant with my card. But of course i never told him id pay for it. (didnt feel like i should have to spend "money" to gain a friendship). This is the reason i went back into vegas in the first place, that was discussed in great detail 2 blogs back, along with the bank and laundry of course. and i didnt intend to let him down that first night when he was paging me on twitter, its just i was asleep then.
the 2nd day i made a special effort to see him. But then hed already gone to a concert, which turned out to be quite high, at $58. i also didnt know at the time his brother, a vocal obama supporter, was in town with him. (by special effort i meant re-arrange my sleep schedule in case he could hang out after he busted out of tourney). Then yesterday as u can see above, i made an effort to fix a meeting between him and Carmen, which i know he wouldve enjoyed. Then today, i was wondering why he never texted me back once i told him i was back outside vegas again. id even offered to tell him where if he would make the short drive over here, as long as he gave me my word he wouldnt tell anyone, and he never would give me his word. (i'm afraid to trust him if he isnt willing to give me his word--especially because he told me Prudence's real name and said Rob shouldnt be keeping it a secret in his blog.) also yesterday i alerted a message to him on twitter that seemed like it was from his wife, but it turned out to be another relative instead.
then tonight, after waking up from a 5 hour nap about midnight, seeing no texts from him, and deciding to check his twitter feed, i seen he had met up with "mr subliminal" who is now listed as of a few days ago on my blogroll. i asked him why he had hung out with him (and he also had went and ate with man in black, and im assuming he probably paid for the meal since man in black has no money, and because he paid for my meal at suncoast.). man and black and i both got $20 out of sams town the same way once. on different days in the past 3 months. now as to my knowledge, ive never met mr subliminal or if i have, hes never introduced himself to me that i know of. his blog says hes homeless and has stayed at the mission but from a PM i sent him, i dont know this is really the case. anyway i was just disappointed i never ever get to meet any of these people, so i told lightning how disappointed i was, and how in my opinion i had far more in common with mr subliminal than he did (since i also have no money) and then lightning posted right on twitter for everyone to see for me to "go fuck yourself". now as a representative of Jesus Christ, is that something he should say?
then he claims i treat my friends "shitty". i told him i cant see how. how is being disappointed he didnt spend more time with me "treating my friends shitty?" How is being disappointed others dont care enough about wanting to become a friend and meet me "treating my friends shitty?" he didnt even want to make a short drive from southpoint to see me, where he spent most of the day. how is trying to fix it so he can meet others treating him shitty, or making an effort to spend more time with him?
ive always thought it was my friends who treat me shitty. People who constantly promise me things i need, then never follow thru. Like for example Vince who promised to come get me friday afternoon if i needed it. (then i ended up getting Poker Johnny to do it which worked out far better anyway, not only did he come a lot earlier than Vince wouldve--as it turned out Vince found out he wouldnt been able to after all, so i wouldve found out AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE-AFTER ID HAVE GIVEN UP MY HOTEL ROOM--that i wouldve had no way to get into vegas. Vince has turned out to be totally unreliable about keeping his promises several times in this manner--so it was a good thing i had poker Johnny to depend on).
Now poker Johnny was a really good friend. he only cared about making sure i wasnt left in a bind, and had what i needed, the kind of friend Claudia used to be that i miss. The kind of friend i wish EVERYONE would be (such as Josie and tatude). Most people are no longer there for me when i need them that have really came thru in the past when i was in a bind, even though im in worse shape now. My life would be in worse shape today by far, were it not to have been for people like Claudia and pete peters of DE.
also i appreciate AKgals offer of a coat, but i was worried about how sincere it was, im afraid she was just trying to find out where i am, and thats why i told sickcallmggee to lie to her on his twitter. i dont want anyone knowing where i am. i desperately need this place to stay right now til im in better shape, cant risk losing it. it bothered me she was guessing where i was, and i was worried she might find out where i was.
and another thing, i wasnt in the best of moods last night as i was falling off to sleep and waking up. was so distraught by seattle irish not being able to buy that voucher, i was really already counting the money all weekend, my bankroll is still extremely low compared to almost every other day of the last few years, and thats a lot of money to miss out on. especially since i still dont have nearly enough on Lock. im up to $20 on lock again, but thats hardly anything if i was really going to make it back playing online.
the same guy called me on the phone again yesterday and asked me why i was so dumb to not get a room in vegas and play at the suncoast everyday since i won $172 there. u know he is probably right. its just i am afraid to turn loose of any money til im in better shape.