Monday, December 31, 2012

well i guess Claudia was right about me needing counseling, but not really for the reasons she said, its not really gambling thats the issue, but the fact i cannot handle ANY KIND of a loss.

u see when i was on that VP bigsplit machine at the eastside cannery yesterday over by their pokerroom, once i was down, even as little as around $20, i did NOT want to get off of it for anything. and i never could get any of it back. So its NOT that i played the machines, it that i couldnt get off it when losing. which is WHY on the machines that were +ev, i still had lots of big drops because id bet way too big to get even on the times i had the edge. And its also why i dont like "better" VP machines such as 100.76% deuces wild where u can only flat bet every hand.

Theres a lot of deep emotional pain from not only losing Claudia, but losing Britni too. (who of course never reads my blog, and now that Claudia is in the Bahamas dealing the PCA tourny she probably isnt either.) Maybe she will see poker monkey, i was surprised when reading his blog the other day to find out he shares some of my political beliefs particularly about obama and Libya. Britni and i used to talk to DAILY online for about 3 yrs or so. So yeah her not being online at all since May 11th of this year has caused a lot of grief, not even knowing whatever became of her. And i was so glad to have found Claudia to take her place as a woman i could share everything with. Cannot believe theres not one guy who reads this blog from the Portland area, who knew Britni whose real name could be Ruthe or catherine Pohl instead of Britni Sullivan or Sullinan. whose screen name for years was formydad on pokerstars, and who spent most of her time with family and friends and taking care of peoples kids and owed bad people money. I'd sure like to find out whatever happened to her. someday when i become wealthy ill hire a private investigator and see if shes still alive.

But yeah its not just a monetary loss i cant handle losing. its any type of loss, and this is why i need a counselor. i really loved and cared about my relationship with claudia, and i wouldve done anything to keep her happy. until she left my life totally, (and lightning says theres no reason to do it anymore because shes gone for good) i did my best to not talk about her in the blog, which was all she ever wanted. i think if id done what she wanted at first, and NOT mentioned our relationship to anyone but Josie, instead of embarrassing her in the blog, i dont think she wouldve ever got rid of me. she was so worried her relationship with me would cost her getting a job dealing next years wsop and told me about it. i wish she wouldve gave me some type of word that she didnt want to talk instead of just disappearing, and wouldve remained friends. And Claudia knows i did my best not to bug her too when she told me how i was bugging her too much. she ever told me i was doing a lot better about not calling her all the time anymore, but what essentially was happening was i was never talking to her at all, because i was afraid to ask about how to go about establishing the relationship back she had originally told me about a week before i moved out of my apt by the hardrock that she needed out of.

In fact, thats a big reason why i gave up the apt. i decided to go to laughlin and play VBJ because i didnt know about the better machine in Jean, and i thought i could figure out the shufffle point. i figured my life was over and there was nothing worth living for if i couldnt figure out how to beat the VBJ so i could go back to being successful, and being someone worthy of finding love. Claudia shouldve seen how telling me that, wouldve caused all of that.

i dont think i ever bothered her talking too much at all. i think it was only an excuse because she was looking for any way to get away, because i had told the whole world about our relationship on my blog.

i have been wondering one thing, and i wonder if this is something a counselor would tell me, is the reason for not being able to handle a loss, because i lost my father to death when i was 1, and grew up without one? am wondering if its deep seated emotional issues from that. for it matters not if i lose money or someones affection, any type of loss is deeply hard on me.

roll is now back at $1700 after selling $44 of my lock money to vook, thank God i won on there last night. if im not up to about $2000 by my check out date Jan 9th, im going to not be able to afford to keep staying here. And i still have $107 in comp dollars in Jean if i need to go back there, or if i find housing in vegas, i can always use that to buy gas or cigarettes for others at the gas station there for cash

32 comments:

  1. Tony says..."u see when i was on that VP bigsplit machine at the eastside cannery yesterday over by their pokerroom, once i was down, even as little as around $20, i did NOT want to get off of it for anything. and i never could get any of it back. So its NOT that i played the machines, it that i couldnt get off it when losing. which is WHY on the machines that were +ev, i still had lots of big drops because id bet way too big to get even on the times i had the edge. And its also why i dont like "better" VP machines such as 100.76% deuces wild where u can only flat bet every hand."

    Tony, what you described here IS a gambling problem. Call it what you what, but these are symptoms of problem gambling.

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  2. A thought for you for 2013, Tony. You write:

    "i figured my life was over and there was nothing worth living for if i couldnt figure out how to beat the VBJ so i could go back to being successful, and being someone worthy of finding love."

    Now it'd be easy to jump on the "back to being successful" line, but consider this: Success, however one defines it, is not a pre-requisite for being "worthy of finding love." Success can buy a facsimile, but love comes to those who are compassionate and who respect others. Working on your inner self will pay far greater dividends than a Quixotic quest for finding a VBJ machine's shuffle point.

    =^..^=

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  3. picked up $44 at sams town, the stud game lasted VERY late today they never still have it going about 6pm before, and then went home, to get my players cards for there and boulder station, and to spray the roach powder around i bought for $3 at walmarts. also im eating frozen meals and crackers too. still in the $1700s. playing a few sngs on lock and will probably go back out soon. Wish Vince wouldnt wait til the end of my stay to try and hook me up with any doctors.

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  4. You could hook yourself up with doctors and be an adult?


    And no matter how you justify it, you're a problem gambler and if you choose to do nothing about it and rationalize it however you wish, you will suffer the results of your actions and choices

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  5. Happy New Year Tony!

    All the best to you in 2013.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it started out right, won 3 sessions tonight, $102, $10, and $13

      Delete
  6. "well i guess Claudia was right about me needing counseling, but not really for the reasons she said, its not really gambling thats the issue, but the fact i cannot handle ANY KIND of a loss. "

    Anyone can gamble when they win. It's the losses that make the difference. So gambling is the issue, since no one would ever have an issue if they always won.,

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    Replies
    1. no its not gambling, because it dont matter to me if the loss involves money or friends, i treat it all the same and get just as pissed up, so it really has nothing to do with gambling.

      Delete
  7. It seems to me that learning how to beat a VBJ machine is a great way to spend some free time for a guy like you when you are properly bankrolled. Trying to earn a living doing it is crazy.

    You have around $1700 Tony, why not take $700 of that and divided it into 7 buy ins and play some 1/2 NL? You have proven that you can win at poker, so start playing.

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    Replies
    1. +1
      Get back in the game (NL 1/2). The spread limit games may be ok also, depending on rake/drop and promos when playing.

      You are never going to get out of this hole, carrying on as you have been for the last month or so.

      Delete
    2. why do i need to play $1-2? sure id win more, but do u realize how few buyins id have? after paying my $336 to move in here for 2 weeks, i had $1400 left. i have $1800 now, and i only played $1-2 NL ONCE. and that was tonight buying in only $40, and cashing out once i got to $142. Had i not lost the $144 the other day in the VP machine look at how much id have. ive been winning quite a lot in the $2-6 game. I never tried to make my living in Jean on the VBJ. all i was trying to do was slowly build up the final $1100 and have a room without having to rent one.

      Delete
  8. truthfully, the ONLY reason ive survived and not gone broke in the last 2 months is because ive been doing exactly what im doing (with the exception of the $144 i threw away in the VP)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tony explain what tempted you to play the VP machine...and please no excuses that your were bored etc.

      Delete
    2. Tony, I've never gone broke ... But on the other hand, I've always had a JOB. Funny how one can never go broke with a steady income.

      You have the power to overcome both your money and women problems, if you'd just learn to listen to advice from people WHO DON'T HAVE SUCH PROBLEMS. The first step you already understand: become financially stable. Not many women want a partner who cannot contribute their share financially - notwithstanding the fact that women no longer need a man for financial support. Get a job and stable housing, then you can focus on finding a stable relationship. You've done it before (with Claudia), and I hope you've learned from your mistakes - respect her privacy, and don't be so needy/pushy all the time.

      Good luck (of course) at the tables in 2013, and I hope the new year brings good things in your life.

      Take care- HNY.

      Delete
  9. ....and the only reason you got down to $1100 in the first place is inability to control yourself when you play VBJ

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  10. Tony, when one cannot handle the swings of gambling that is when one knows that they have a PROBLEM.
    You are just pretending that the problem is not what it really is.
    You have a gambling problem. Gambling addiction.
    You are gambling with money that means too much to you and as such when you lose you go through fits of rage.

    That is a classic definition of a gambling problem.

    The biggest problem is that you are not willing to help yourself, take advice or even admit to what the problem is so that you can take the proper steps to become a functioning member of society in any way other than wanting to sit in a casino all day/every day.

    I hope 2013 is a good year for you, I'll be following much as I have since you initially popped up on AllVegasPoker all those years ago.
    Good luck and hope to see you at the tables in 2013

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  11. Tony, you won't play full pay VP because you can't martingale. You can't get off the Big Split machine because you were down $20. When Claudia broke up with you, your response is to go to Laughlin and try to beat the VBJ machine. Basically, everytime you are under stress, your response is to go and gamble some more.

    These are all symptoms of gambling addiction. You can keep denying all you want, but if you don't face up to this fact, you will never be able to fix the problem.

    Good luck, and happy new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really should pay more attention to Tony's posts.

      As he's stated repeatedly, he's perfectly content and happy right now. He's not stressed out at all. Please stop ignoring what he says and making suppositions about his stress levels.

      He also clearly diagnosed the reason he chases losses in this very post. It's due to the tragic loss of his father at an early age. That diagnosis should remove all doubt that he has a gambling addiction; he doesn't.

      Tony, great job in 2012 and it's encouraging to see you in such a happy and contented place to kick off 2013.

      Delete
    2. Seems like you are more confused than Tony.

      Delete
  12. Happy New Year. GL the rest of the year.

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  13. How can you even mention that some of your problems stem from growing up without a father yet you have done the same to some poor child. Your worried about finding love in your life? How about you go back home and get a minimum wage job or maybe something better that will surly bring you more income than your poker career and show your child love?

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  14. I dont know why I even commented. Clearly the reason why is because your to addicted to gambling to do the right thing.

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  15. How can you even mention that some of your problems stem from growing up without a father yet you have done the same to some poor child. Your worried about finding love in your life? How about you go back home and get a minimum wage job or maybe something better that will surly bring you more income than your poker career and show your child love?

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  16. You have the attitude that you deserve to win every time you sit down and if you do not you get upset and try and "make it back". It is a problem a lot of gamblers have. Until you can distance yourself from the variance and just let it flow you will never be a big winner.

    It may not be possible for you because you depend on this money to live. The money is too important so you can not gamble correctly. If you had another source of income to take the stress off and pay for an apartment maybe then you could change your attitude. Possibly not. It is not an easy thing.

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  17. i didnt lose anything today, roll is still in the $1900s after a small sale to vook and a small win. i feel like i lost today though, because at one point was up $97 in the $2-6 spread limit game and after leaving walmarts and arriving at home, was up $19. i shouldnt have sat there all day without food, i didnt go eat with my comps til id quit the game.

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  18. happy new year Tony. i'll be in Vegas in a couple weeks, maybe i'll buy you a burger at the heart attack grill (being a fat ass, i eat free)

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  19. happy new year Tony. i'll be in Vegas in a couple weeks, maybe i'll buy you a burger at the heart attack grill (being a fat ass, i eat free)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't wait to eat there.
      Cash only though

      Delete
    2. I ate there last time I was in Vegas ... It was good, but I was a bit disappointed that the menu was so limited. Mostly just burgers and fries (with shakes and also potent cocktails). The nurse outfits that the waitresses wear are awesome. So are the candy cigarettes they sell (used to love those as a kid ... never lead to me taking up smoking, though).

      Grump went there once, but refused to put on the medical gown they give you - and they wouldn't seat him!

      Delete
  20. Well good for you. Now knowing that your issues are caused by not growing up with a father, I'm sure the last thing you'd do is ever abandon a sibling if in fact you ever become a father. Too many times the cycle repeats, I'm glad you figured this out in time.

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  21. For all the time Tony spends obsessing over his own physical safety, it would be incredibly ironic and fulfilling if the first ass beating he takes in a long long time comes from his own son, as a reward for being the worlds most absentee father.

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  22. He's hardly the worlds most absentee father. They actually do have contact and his little boy is almost 21. He was raised by Tonys mom and is also autistic. It may have been better that Tony wasn't around a lot. They seem to have a very good relationship and he seems to be doing well considering everything.

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