well i guess Claudia was right about me needing counseling, but not really for the reasons she said, its not really gambling thats the issue, but the fact i cannot handle ANY KIND of a loss.
u see when i was on that VP bigsplit machine at the eastside cannery yesterday over by their pokerroom, once i was down, even as little as around $20, i did NOT want to get off of it for anything. and i never could get any of it back. So its NOT that i played the machines, it that i couldnt get off it when losing. which is WHY on the machines that were +ev, i still had lots of big drops because id bet way too big to get even on the times i had the edge. And its also why i dont like "better" VP machines such as 100.76% deuces wild where u can only flat bet every hand.
Theres a lot of deep emotional pain from not only losing Claudia, but losing Britni too. (who of course never reads my blog, and now that Claudia is in the Bahamas dealing the PCA tourny she probably isnt either.) Maybe she will see poker monkey, i was surprised when reading his blog the other day to find out he shares some of my political beliefs particularly about obama and Libya. Britni and i used to talk to DAILY online for about 3 yrs or so. So yeah her not being online at all since May 11th of this year has caused a lot of grief, not even knowing whatever became of her. And i was so glad to have found Claudia to take her place as a woman i could share everything with. Cannot believe theres not one guy who reads this blog from the Portland area, who knew Britni whose real name could be Ruthe or catherine Pohl instead of Britni Sullivan or Sullinan. whose screen name for years was formydad on pokerstars, and who spent most of her time with family and friends and taking care of peoples kids and owed bad people money. I'd sure like to find out whatever happened to her. someday when i become wealthy ill hire a private investigator and see if shes still alive.
But yeah its not just a monetary loss i cant handle losing. its any type of loss, and this is why i need a counselor. i really loved and cared about my relationship with claudia, and i wouldve done anything to keep her happy. until she left my life totally, (and lightning says theres no reason to do it anymore because shes gone for good) i did my best to not talk about her in the blog, which was all she ever wanted. i think if id done what she wanted at first, and NOT mentioned our relationship to anyone but Josie, instead of embarrassing her in the blog, i dont think she wouldve ever got rid of me. she was so worried her relationship with me would cost her getting a job dealing next years wsop and told me about it. i wish she wouldve gave me some type of word that she didnt want to talk instead of just disappearing, and wouldve remained friends. And Claudia knows i did my best not to bug her too when she told me how i was bugging her too much. she ever told me i was doing a lot better about not calling her all the time anymore, but what essentially was happening was i was never talking to her at all, because i was afraid to ask about how to go about establishing the relationship back she had originally told me about a week before i moved out of my apt by the hardrock that she needed out of.
In fact, thats a big reason why i gave up the apt. i decided to go to laughlin and play VBJ because i didnt know about the better machine in Jean, and i thought i could figure out the shufffle point. i figured my life was over and there was nothing worth living for if i couldnt figure out how to beat the VBJ so i could go back to being successful, and being someone worthy of finding love. Claudia shouldve seen how telling me that, wouldve caused all of that.
i dont think i ever bothered her talking too much at all. i think it was only an excuse because she was looking for any way to get away, because i had told the whole world about our relationship on my blog.
i have been wondering one thing, and i wonder if this is something a counselor would tell me, is the reason for not being able to handle a loss, because i lost my father to death when i was 1, and grew up without one? am wondering if its deep seated emotional issues from that. for it matters not if i lose money or someones affection, any type of loss is deeply hard on me.
roll is now back at $1700 after selling $44 of my lock money to vook, thank God i won on there last night. if im not up to about $2000 by my check out date Jan 9th, im going to not be able to afford to keep staying here. And i still have $107 in comp dollars in Jean if i need to go back there, or if i find housing in vegas, i can always use that to buy gas or cigarettes for others at the gas station there for cash