Well to be honest, im doing better than i have been in a long long time. am back to $2200, won almost $280 today at sams town in the stud game, part of it came from hitting 2 4 of a kinds. went home when the game broke. Will go back out before all the stores close, because i still need to get me a pan, blanket, can opener, microwave dish, and a lot of other things.
a couple months ago i moved into Jean on Nov 6th. and about a month before that, around the beginning of Oct if i remember right, was about the time i moved out of my apt at Harbor Island and down to Laughlin to play the VBJ machine that wasnt any good. And at the time, i was using very poor judgement. But im not using that poor judgement anymore, am basically staying away from machines (only 1 screwup). Yet i know that without counseling, i can fail at anytime. But i dont know how to find a counselor. Maybe if someone else similar to Claudia were to write Rachel and explain the need, she would take me on again. (firstname.lastname@example.org). But unlike what Claudia always used to tell me (that she would counsel me on ANYTHING) i think she only does compulsive gambling counseling for those who want to stop.
u see, what im saying is ALL the bad judgement was happening back in Oct and the months prior--(at the time i was throwing away the $6000 roll). And yet Claudia was still willing to talk to me back then. She was even trying to help until she got angry and put my life in serious danger by calling the police, (dont she know police in vegas have a tendency to shoot suspects they think are mentally ill?) u shouldnt go around telling police officers someone has weapons without proof. Luckily for me, they were quite nice. I think ive done extremely well, and used quite good judgement and decision making ever since i dropped to a low of $1100, because if i had NOT, i couldve easily been out on the streets along with everyone else totally broke. And instead, ive doubled the roll. So i feel like i should be congratulated on all the wise decisions i made by going to Jean in the first place, and then in coming back to Vegas and playing poker at samstown.
i do not know whether Claudias motive were pure or not when she sent the police to check on me in Jean. I dont know if she was seriously worried i might harm someone, or if she was just angry i was still emailing and texting her. and ill never know because she has never contacted me again since. Nor has she spoken to any friends i know and trust who can tell me the truth about how shes feeling, and i really need someone to find out whats up, so i can forget about her, and not worry about what she might be planning and just get on with my life. It was HER not me, who wanted to make sure i get hooked up with medical and SSI, ive never been comfortable at all with hiding my income from the govt, hiding the fact im not homeless, (like everyone else says to tell them--such as Vince and seattle irish) and i feel a lot better knowing i can support myself gambling. it makes me feel GOOD about myself. And goes along with my beliefs. SSI is a little different, because i feel EVERYONE who is disabled should receive that money, regardless of how much income they have, and its wrong to make u have under $2000 to get it. But what i dont believe in are welfare programs that go thru the govt burearcracies. they should be getting their help directly from rich people and churches without the govt being involved at all. Primarily this is what panhandling does. its up to everyone to choose whether to help or not, no one is forced. women with kids shouldnt be getting welfare, they should have to go out and find a man to help take care of them and get married. no wonder the marriage rate is so low and the only people getting married are gay people. i wouldnt be without a woman if this was the way life was, and this was always the way life used to be for hundreds of centuries. i could easily give a woman the same $200 a week to live with her im paying for rent and various miscellaneous expenses on my own. why do women let bums move in with them for free, and yet i cant find a good woman who will let me live with her when id be willing to pay what i could to help her out?
so yes, not knowing claudias mental and emotional state of health, i do not want to continue my SSI application, nor do i want Vince to take me to get medical care with welfare so i can get the diagnoses for autism that i need for a bus pass and for an atty to help me with my appeal. im too afraid of claudia and what she might do, because she wasnt willing to part on amicable terms, or talk to any of my friends, or email me to tell me i have nothing to worry about, and im worried she is going to try and get me in serious trouble with the govt purely out of hatred and revenge if i end up getting help simply because she knows too much. i dont know how much real hatred and bitterness she is harboring towards me on the inside since she isnt talking to taking my calls, but i fear the absolute worst since she wont respond. No one who is really a friend just sick of dealing with it all (Josie for instance) would let me suffer like claudia is doing. Josie wouldnt do that, she wouldve talked to lightning or grump if not me. Not so with Claudia, shes talked to NO ONE, and thats what is scaring the hell out of me. Im not able to get hooked up with social services like Claudia wanted me too because im too afraid to not knowing her state of mind anymore and no longer trusting her motives. She wasnt angry at first, and i trusted her completely, but not knowing if she is angry or not, im too paranoid. I wish i had the money to go get on the subway by her door and wait for her to talk to her so i wouldnt have to live the rest of my life in fear of what she might do. i wish i could feel comfortable knowing she will quietly go away, without her putting my life and safety in any more jeopardy than she already has. lightning told me she seemed "controlling" to him, (back from making me sign the contract, and telling me not to buy certain clothes at the thrift store when we were in there because she didnt like the color, and by telling me what i couldnt talk about in my blog for so long) Lightning himself is a college counselor, just like rachel, and is someone i trust 100%.
So if Vince is wondering why ive made no effort to bug him on getting me to that dr, thats why. i cannot take a risk of going to jail for someone telling the medical offices at the welfare dept that i am NOT homeless and have way too much income to qualify for medical assistance. Theres no telling what Claudia might be capable of, as much political power as she has being a woman of influence, and a published author. I think her intentions all along was to write an article as to why people with mental disabilities shouldnt ever be allowed to gamble, and i dont want to have to close down my blog worried about what claudia, or someone else, might say to someone. This blog means too much for me, and the readership is increasing no idea why, its up to over 1000 views a day now. I just wish i couldve known, that Claudia really cared about ME and not just about HER own comfort. This blog is such a great success story of the life of someone with aspergers, how they successfully make it in life just off gambling winnings alone, and how their life is so much better now than it was when i was sleeping outdoors in dubuque iowa with a sign on the side of the highway. and how they will someday be very rich.
I'm not going to put all that in jeopardy just to have the right to see a dr who can finally once and for all, give me the diagnoses of my autism/aspergers. i dont know for sure what the dr in KS said, mom dont remember who, and she originally said she learned i had it due to filling out forms by mail with an autism research place out in Cali. i do know when i got ssi in the past theyd said that was why i was getting it, but no idea why.
and now i must leave the house and get things done. wanted to hang out with pokerJohnny but he has dates with 4 different women, wtf, i cant even get one.