its a good thing i messaged lightning this morning, i was thinking he was flying home sunday, but it turned out he is flying home friday instead. so today (thursday) was my last chance to see him for some time. And this time we finally got to play omaha8, and it turns out that was a very wise choice, for we both did much better than when we played holdem. i won $110 and lightning won $126, in the $3-6 omaha8 at samstown, (i wouldnt mind playing that daily in vegas) but it ONLY runs on thursdays. see, if i was in Tampa instead of vegas, then i could play that daily, and maybe certain places in cali too. problem with vegas is most all the omaha games are $4-8. and the suncoast didnt have their omaha game on thursdays either. also the action at the table was quite loose for samstown.
Lightning wouldve liked the opportunity to see Jennifer or Vince but neither showed up. was hoping Vince would bring me the mail, the letter he got from SSI that i would be having a hearing, but he claims no date was set yet. hope he is right about that. id prefer to see the letter myself. i wonder what all ive missed out on, (such as rooms and freeplay i never knew about) when i gave up that PO box at the flamingo. saved me $20 a month, and i felt better not having to slip in and out of there picking up mail anymore, but still, it wouldve been a steady address to not worry about getting my mail.
Cutters room here in Jean is much bigger and nicer than the normal rooms, but still it only has a shower and no tub. i dont think a single room in the entire hotel has a tub. so none of the rooms can really be considered luxury rooms with no tub. which reminds me, i dont have a pair of swimming trunks anymore. also if i was ever living in vegas (or anywhere else) with the sleeping bag so i could be somewhere i can play poker, i have no idea what i would do with all my clothes etc. the only thing i could really carry on me would be the sleeping bag and laptop, where id put everything else i dunno. And i still dont feel safe using the sleeping bag in a place like vegas. too many fears of something happening while im asleep. Lightning was totally shocked the blackpimp really sent the bag. He didnt think he had it in him to actually do something nice for me.
also lightning met Cutter at Ballys sports book, and talked to him for about 2 hours, which included going across the street to the Westin and back. Also met an older guy from Yonkers who talked about machines at the racetrack, but said no VBJ there. he was wearing a river palms shirt and was familiar with the laughlin machines, and trying to keep an accurate count on them. he said he was fascinated that i, like him, enjoy numbers, and offered to back me in the $1-2NL at southpoint with him for $100 and go partners, but i didnt know him at all so wasnt comfortable riding there with him, and he also said he could only drive me 1 way. was afraid it mightve really been someone from RTP.
i will try and find out the hours of legal aid and where the office is later on today so i know about coming in, i really need the help of an attorny with this SSI because i dont understand why one state approved me and another state dont when essentially nothing has changed. But the real reason im not too keen in following up with this, is i fear getting in legal trouble sooner or later if i get back on SSI. u see once u are on SSI, u can never have over $2000, and im sure i will be over that most of the rest of my life. its absolutely amazing how much ive been under that in the last year. even in the days i was homeless alot far in the past, i was about $2000 or more a lot of the time. once u get too low, its very hard to ever recover. far more so today than in the old days where there wasnt all this money going down the hole in jackpot drops, and when i could play no ante stud and didnt have blinds eating me up.
But, i also know, if i could ever get back to $3-4k, i should be able to not ever get back in horrible shape. i would have enough to survive on. (not to get rich, thats what u need 20k for). but enough to grind out weekly rent each week and keep improving slightly. also 20 yrs ago, i wouldve still been doing nothing but playing poker live nonstop with this little of roll. Fear has taken over me since ive got old. fear of the streets, fear of change, fear of anything different, and i used to not mind homelessness, and saw it as a part of my life. now im doing anything to avoid it, and am afraid to go back to it. which is whats messing me up, because its keeping me from going into vegas and playing poker. Fear is absolutely paralyzing me in making any positive changes. Lightning agrees me playing this machine isnt no solution. (had i been able to play online from the room, maybe it wouldve worked, but not being able to do that has a really big effect). still, if i had the USB modem, maybe i still could.
yeah, not being able to have $2000 or more makes life hard, and its just not worth legal trouble. when u take SSI (if u want to be honest that is) u are pretty much condemning urself to long term poverty. and thats not something im comfortable with doing. which is why i resist it so much more than charity from friends. at least i feel that kind of financial help is a hand up and not something id need longterm, but short term. Poker has taken off in the past to where i quit panhandling (live panhandling that is) and my life was much better when gambling that panhandling. i dont feel like being trapped on ssi limited to not ever having money or losing the ssi, is my best solution. getting back to when i can clear $3000 a month at poker is a far better solution, but that will take money. surely everyone still believes that it takes money to make money?
notice though, even as little cash as i have, how much better i am playing poker. played in vegas only 2 times in the last month, and notice the results. won $32. won $58. lost $15. won $110. This shows i can still make it at poker. But its fear thats stopping me. fear of losing the final $1000 (which is my only security and stability in my life thats left). and its a fear i wouldnt have if i was being either staked or backed. and of course its also a fear i wouldnt have if i had $2000 more, so id have a much bigger cushion. essentially ive somehow gotten this idea in my head that the final $1000 can never be touched, and thats essentially how ive been living my life.
i never dreamed a day would ever come when id have $1000-1200, and be afraid to go play poker. i remember coming to vegas on my 21st birthday and after that many times before age 25, or other cities like iowa and st louis, with $500-1000 and thinking id have enough to not ever go broke and slowly build up a roll. Young people certainly think more optimistically than old folks. and some people still come to vegas with that little, and still play NL with $200 or so buyins, (instead of the tiniest of games) and start off winning and never look back. and in a way im envious of the freedom i feel they have to do that that i dont feel i have since im alot older than them. i feel like i wasted my life over the years, because had i managed it better, i couldve easily had way over $100k by now.
also i dont know if this can be done without big money, but id really like a chance to live where i can play on stars. if anyone can assist in arranging this, please let me know and how much it would cost to get permission to live there. and to pay the upfront costs. also if anyone can assist in plane tickets or florida housing in the tampa area. i would love to be back to where i could feel i could afford the poker games and where the game selection is much better than vegas. (being 1-4 casinos of 60+ tables) instead of 50+ casinos of 1-4 tables each.