i've never considered myself to be a "good Christian" im a horrible sinner (but the difference is i'm one whose been saved by Grace, and not by works. a hypocrit is one who thinks hes a good christian and isnt, so im no hypocrit either.
the Bible says a good Christian is supposed to LOVE HIS ENEMIES, and to "pray for those who despitefully use u, and persecute u". and this is whats too hard for me. im filled with bitterness and resentful of those who dont like me, because my goal is for everyone to be really proud for me and to think of me as someone they are glad to root for the success of, and glad to visit. The Bible says we are to forgive others, or God wont forgive us of our sins. And i find that hard to do because i feel like im not being forgiven of my wrongs by others.
This is why Ray worries so much over my eternal soul, and if i will really go up in the rapture. Thats also what my mother worries about.
so for those of u who really do love animals, why do u then want me to "spend time with my son?" i would think u would want me to shun him over his treatment of animals. it always made me bitter how he was unkind and tormented moms cats and scared them so much they always ran away. mom punished him numerous times for being mean to the cat. which is weird, because he gets along well with people. hes extremely social and im not.
But i do enjoy the company of animals, and thats why i always wished i had one, and enjoyed staying at Vinces so much, with Annes dog and cat around.
I've always considered my character to be far superior to my others, and have considered most of the world to be hypocrites, who consider things from nothing but a financial standpoint. I dont steal, cheat the govt, accept financial aid except in dire emergencies where im a lot more broke than i am now, or scam other people. i dont commit violent acts towards people, dont smoke, dont drink, dont use drugs, or use women for sex that im not in love with and want a relationship with. Thats why i get incensed when someone questions my character, simply cause i have the autism and dont always realize when im the one whose being rude and think its the other guy being rude to me.
u know, such as certain cocktail waitresses and dealers.
for example, not long ago, I was often borrowing a phone charger while playing poker in this one room i played at a bit, and once my phone was done charging, returned it to the basket by the desk. there were about 5 phone chargers in it which had been donated. now all those chargers but one (wrong kind) have been stolen, and the floorman said he wasnt talking to me about it when i bitterly complained that because i didnt steal one and was honest when others werent, that now i cant charge my phone. he suggested i just go buy one but i already have one at home, and it dies often cause im constantly on it. (i dont like to carry that charger around since it came in 2 pieces). i felt i was being punished for being honest and he shouldve been grateful i was enough, and resented that he didnt keep them safely behind the desk where no one could use them.
most rooms in vegas that charge phones do do it behind the desk so the chargers dont get stolen, and some make u leave ur id. a much better system that dont penalize those of us who are honest.
this article here, is an excellent example of how corrupt the culture is today, and how most people act which is horrible, and im so glad im not that way. http://eaglerising.com/7053/woman-savagely-beaten-muslim-bystanders-nothing/ be aware this happened outside a Mcdonalds in the USA.
not one person came to her defense or called the police, they laughed and recorded the attack on their cell phones. its so easy for me to picture the people who dont like me on RTP behaving like this, and disliking me solely because i do NOT behave like this.
i feel that except for those like me (and also people like lightning and PPP) theres no compassion left in this world. No one cares if a guy is having a hard go of it in life--they just want to fix it so he has even less money than he already has. No one cares if hes trying to struggle daily to do the right thing, and keeps failing.
my main goal in life to work on is to treat others the way God expects me to treat them--which i keep failing at. this is whats hard for me. I've tried so hard with Josie, Benny, Claudia, PPP, lightning, etc and still not sure what all ive done wrong. i've made no effort at all with the trolls, and the public at large, but i need no work on this. I just keep feeling like someone is being unkind to me and doing me wrong--and then all i can think of doing is to get back at them-and the people they are close to. i resent the people who love them for their wrongdoings (their white wives and kids) as much as i do them, because i feel like the only reason those people love them over loving ME is because they committed a serious crime and hurt someone really bad, and id never do that, so in the minds of their white wives and kids, im not worthy of being loved, but they are.
yeah i feel so much bitterness in my life for how everyone treats me due to my aspergers--i really wish at least one rich friend would spend big money for me to be evaluated by a psychologist. maybe id learn something about myself--for i cant bring myself to do it on my own-nor do i have the money for the best drs. the free ones are no good. maybe it would even help get me to stop playing machines or other things where i dont have the huge $26 hr long term edge that i have in the live $1-2 games. up to 69 whole hours logged, and still at $26 an hour. ill be real proud if it remains over $15 by the time it reaches 200 hours. for $15 an hour is a ton of money to live off in reno single with no family.
that being said, both Chap and madlib still think im better off flat betting 3 hands of $12, for what they say will make me $36 an hour 6 hours a day mon-thurs out in sparks. im scared of losing though. im less scared of losing when i play NL. (mainly due to the low minimum buyins in reno). if i was in vegas, where most places make u buyin $100--i might be more worried of going broke at poker.
ive done a lot of things wrong in casinos in my life, and also been falsely accused and lied about what i did wrong in many of those casinos years back when i was younger, that have embittered me and influence negatively how i act to this day. God is really going to have to do a real work in my heart--maybe i should go live near Ray. Lightning thinks this would be very good for my spiritual and emotional health.
most of those wrong things ive done started out due to me feeling like i was being horribly mistreated. (the harrahs joliet incident, the Binions incident, the LVH incident, the eldorado incident, etc) but if i wasnt being mistreated, im remorseful and unsure what to do about it now.
and im tired of typing. i need to leave, buy a table knife, glasses, bowls, plates, food, and figure out what to do as far as Bovada money, and an air conditioner.
why didnt anyone comment on how good it was for me to have time off from gambling and be walking around the tourist town of Virginia city, going thru shops like a tourist, paying to have my picture taken for tips etc?
ive also found a much better place to live for about $350 more a month, but it would be so much harder to qualify to live there without a ton upfront, ill have to let that go for about 6 months. am hoping that everything i buy online, can be resold. air conditioners, comics etc. But the other place is further away, still on the same bus, and much nicer and larger. That wasnt found thru craigslist, its a regular apt complex.
also its wrong all the double standards there are in this world. if a woman kills her child, shes applauded for it by feminists. if she gives it up for adoption, that also gives her no ill feelings by others. but if a man gives up his child for someone else to adopt and raise, he's treated as a pariah by society, and even if its a man unable to emotionally handle raising a child and would probably make the child worse off emotionally instead of better by being around.
so many people think actions are wrong, not based on the action, but by whether u are male or female, white or black, rich or poor, and thats not what God thinks.
and many poor are throwing their money away in casinos and bragging about it, same with beer, drugs, and cigarettes. not sure why she would say that either, if she wasnt a troll. (alysias comment on RTP).