In the spirit of lightnings blog posts, im going to speak briefly on musicians. Let it be said, that Cyndi Lauper and Johnny Cash were the greatest musicians of all time, and on a songtrack on Utube of cyndi lauper thats a 50 song mix (with a few other artists sprinkled in) theres a song that really speaks to my state of mind, by an artist ive never heard of whose named Bonnie Tyler. Title of the song is total eclipse of the heart.
I'm letting my health go because i have nothing to live for anymore. Im not suicidal like stealthmunk is, but im never happy unless im winning. most of the time im miserable, in an angry mood, and totally stressed out over money. ($9000 left of $19,000). and i wasnt stressed like this at all over money in 2004. i had an apt in Butte MT for $230 a month, plus utilities. and my lifes roll was less than $2000.
But i was happy. why? Because i could play on paradise poker, party poker, certain european sites i forgot the names of along with megadisgruntled in the PL stud games, and good old pokerstars. And thats when i first met Lorna before she got mean a few weeks later and Britni a short time after that. And i didnt know anyone--i didnt have a blog--all the people i knew were the 2 women i hung out with and talked to on pokerstars or by phone and of course, good old yahoo messenger. her43ld and goodtasteinclothes.
Didnt worry about money--my expenses were next to nothing, and i could easily win money online. so much so that i started giving it away everyday as fast as i won it just so id have a friend to talk to. and if i wanted to play a little live poker, there was always a loose action game at a couple of local bars. The best one was run by a guy named Timmy in a place called the depot, where one of the dealers named Derek later committed suicide.
does anyone remember a few years ago when i went to a dentist in vegas to fix a tooth, and how scared i was of the needle? the pain of that initial shot was much worse than any pain afterwards since after that i was numb. I could feel it even with laughing gas and being numbed good, which is why i think i need to be completely sedated. this fear of the shot is going to end up getting me killed, if theres not already a bad abscess. theres no fever or pain so there must not be but im going to have it xrayed this week to see whats up no matter what it costs. there is lumps and a funny feeling around my mouth so there might be.
does anyone remember WHY i went ahead and have it done when i was scared to? its because i hadnt heard from Britni for a few months--and she got online to talk to me--and encouraged me to go back in and let them do the work (all id done was the xray). this was i think in 2008-2009, maybe someone could look it up. Britni was online all the time 2004-2007, then slowly disappeared after the Uigea was passed and she quit playing online pokerstars where she always played under the name formydad. she used to hang out with justalady42 from Maine on pokerstars, hirollinshark on pokerstars whose real name is Saby Kats on facebook, and a few others ive forgot their ids. her cousin Jessica on stars who died was muddslayer. but i remember the times i talked 3-5 hours daily and had my mom not sold my old computer, all those old records might still be stored on yahoo messenger. for there was hundreds of millions of stored conversations. but that was sold many years ago to Roy.
Britni was my one true soulmate in life--who could understand me and relate because she had problems of her own socially. and she talked to me when she constantly ignored other guys trying to talk to her. and complained about people bugging her and having to block them when talking to me. she told me once she used to converse with people in suicide chat forums. not only that she used to sell clothing on Ebay, and stored it around Portland. even had a shop once. she was very familiar with google transit, taught me how to use it for which im forever grateful, and the rideshare portion of craiglist and about how to find roommates and use craigslist for it. Never did know whatever happened to her, and i just cant believe how not one person into poker seems to know of her in real life.
Someday when im wealthy from poker and VBJ play and have millions of dollars, ill pay some detective in Portland a lot of money to track down her true name and location yahoo has completely destroyed the email associated with it, and all her records. her supposed name was Britni sullinan or possibly sullivan (and that name dont exist). her dad was supposedly a prop or shill for a WA cardroom yrs ago and a professional poker player. her mom might be named deborah and her brother named Jimmy. not sure. i've always suspected her real name was Ruthe Pohl and her mom is rosemary pohl, for those are names connected to the name Ruthe and seems to match the right age. the only reason ive learned that name is because the records stored on my bank america acct show the name connected to that account when i used to transfer money thru BOA. she told me Ruthe was an older lady whose a friend of hers. but a search i didnt investigate fully since i never paid the fee was showing both a 68 yr old lady and a 30 yr old. im sure a good detective could locate the owner of the bank acct if it still exists and from there ask the lady about Britni. if the lady didnt know who britni was, mention the bank transfers and the girl who played on pokerstars and lived with her family in portland. she used to live in sandiego many years earlier before i knew her.
supposedly some think she got married and thats why she quit talking. she also had bad teeth issues and owed people money due to her gambling problem and they were trying to pressure her into becoming a topless dancer and she didnt want to. i fear she got into the wrong people. she used to do a lot of work thru craigslist babysitting and housesitting. surely a detective could investigate, she also wanted to buy and sell houses in detroit. i know a lot of guys wouldve wanted to marry her including zippyboy who used to read this blog.
we drifted apart because she was extremely close to her family, and resented the fact i didnt spend enough time with mine. my mom is such a good Christian and im not. she offered to raise my son before he was even born so Sue's group home wouldnt make her get an abortion--she got my aunt Patty out of the mental hospital over 50 yrs ago long before i was ever born and took care of her for a year--and there's nothing she wouldnt do for anyone to show the love of Jesus. she even offered to spend $1000 of her savings (about all of it) to get me medical and dental care if i came back to KS a month ago. i didnt feel like i deserved it, but if i was desperate enough id have no other choice. Theres so much shes done which would be the type of thing Jesus would do for others. Britni offered to let me visit her before when she was staying in los angeles if id been willing to spend time with my family first. i havent heard from her since 2011. in 2012 her email no longer existed, and shes been de-listed from email search websites. Britni even talked to my mom on the phone for a long time once. She really was a friend, and was angry with me for giving lorna money--thats why she started asking herself later on. she had this weird mistaken feeling i loved Lorna and thats who i really wanted--which was totally untrue. she would get angry if i talked to lorna at all.
Britni didnt like my racial politics, she liked Obama, and was liberal. seems almost all women are. and to be honest women who are are more accepting of my job. or more loose sexually. Think of Claudia, who would like to play with my dick while she was driving around in her car. Akgal sure wouldnt be doing that with her boyfriends would she? all the women who ever fooled around with me when i was in my early 20s or came over to visit me probably werent social conservatives. But they still appeal to me because id like to be married and have a family to come home to someday if im not too old. and i want to hear someone tell me they love me. thats why claudia didnt work out. she wouldnt commit. this is what i dont like about women nowdays. I actually want to live where theres cats and dogs and people to cook u food, thats why i liked living at Vinces. since he broke up with anne, now the house is empty except for a guy named Jay who moved in. no animals there now. they were anne's. i miss her pitbull.
so yes, im going to see a dentist soon. im worried about the funny feeling in my mouth. and id like to do well in life while ive still got $9000+ to work with. (ive also wanted to see how id do playing VBJ with this much and is why im here instead of reno). i am mad at myself for messing up the opportunity to live in Jean, but i had no idea at the time id ever be this much better off financially than i was then.
But im not happy with life. especially since im too old to find love, be loved, and im not wanted by women (or men anymore for that matter) like i was when i was a teenager and in my 20s). I pretty much wasted my whole life, because im a loner. i enjoy nothing more than sitting in my room playing online poker--or sitting at an empty VBJ machine all to myself to vary how many spots and how much to bet to my hearts content. Much of the time i hate it when people smile, are happy, and having a good time and i feel the only reason theyre happy is because my life is so messed up, and i feel like if i was happy with life, then theyd not be happy anymore because they are happy precisely because im unhappy and much worse off than them. thats why rich folks are happy--they feel like they are better than everyone else just because they make more at their job. i resent those who can gamble like total donkey just because the money means nothing to them-and is why i dont really like playing poker all that much--even when i know i need these type of people at the table to make a profit.
id like to go home and have mom help me fix all my health issues i dont know i have once and for all. but years ago i committed to myself if Britni wouldnt talk to me and see me, id hurt her by doing the same thing to my family since thats what was so important to Britni. ive never been able to get over that, and i feel doubly committed to that because of Josie and Claudia. i dont even have friends willing to take me to a dentist except Ray and Vince and those arent really cities i want to live, because i cant beat poker in vegas, and i dont know games in toledo are loose, and i worry about the previous trip of being followed. and theres no VBJ around Toledo that appeals to me.
here is a good soundtrack. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVMvART9kb8&list=RDZONKoKIQ9RY&index=24
if anything happens to me or if i just dont want to be bothered, lightning now knows how to login using my gmail to access the comment moderations