Well the days of winning are over. I'm down to $11,600, due to emotional stress and painful memories im finding hard to let go of, and i cannot get over how dumb i was in the past to help out women with money. I havent done that for a very long time, but i wonder how much different and better off my life wouldve been back in the old days if it wasnt for all the money i wasted. And it started at the very beginning, at the age of 19 when i inherited about $2000 from the canadian govt and wasted a lot of it on hookers, the rest on traveling to toledo to live, moving into a rooming house, etc.
All my life because of aspergers and emotional issues i havent known how to relate or talk to women. and never owning a car, and not being someone with sits and drinks at the bar or go out to clubs, etc, hasnt helped. not even back in the days women werent interested in strip clubs. i wish i had a picture of me at age 18. at least i was good looking back then and many girls i did fool around with told me they liked my picture. now im just old and ugly. I've not been with any women in many years with the brief exception of Claudia.
so when i was alone in montana back in 2003 without the support network of friends i have now, and also when i was living in the tiny town of lyons ks at my moms house without any women around, i was someone who was easily manipulated into trading money for companionship. especially when they shared my interest in online poker. it wouldnt been so much an issue were i not to have been so broke, with far less than $1000 at that time when many other online pros had far over $100,000. but its killing me to think of how much i wasted back then.
the only person i really think has anything in common with me is Benny, but he isnt available when i need him, and he dont have the problems attracting women ive had, because he owns a car. its amazing how much owning a car improves ones quality of life.
And now ill never hear from these women again, and ill never have the money back. i've just got to make due with what i have, and to learn how to be more selfish and to think only of my financial needs, and not the wishes of anyone else if im going to survive and not be homeless and someday be a success. I need to feel like they feel guilt and asked Gods forgiveness and i need to know God accepts forgives and still is a God who loves us all. especially what to know that God has forgiven me for being so gullible and that i let people emotionally manipulate me so easily, and to put it behind me.
i wonder if id have such a hard time dealing with loss, had it not been for the death of my father, and growing up with only a mother?
but i cant let this be an excuse for any more dumb actions, such as the $350 i lost today on VP and the $150 i lost on poker. i got to stick to games i can beat. when i play VBJ i am still over 100% if i play it right. the VP machines i play were 99-100% so to play them was utterly foolish.
gambling, for a lot of people, is a form of therapy, it takes away pain when u sit there pressing buttons in ur own little world, and is quite addictive. but its a very expensive form of therapy so i have no business doing it. i wouldve played poker instead, but was stuck too much and didnt feel like i could play well anymore.
maybe if i did something right for a change, like see the dentist while im still over 11,000 id gain at least one womans respect, no idea whose, and then id have one less stressful thing hanging over my head?