Wednesday, March 18, 2015

my winning streak is over. back to reality folks.

Well the days of winning are over. I'm down to $11,600, due to emotional stress and painful memories im finding hard to let go of, and i cannot get over how dumb i was in the past to help out women with money. I havent done that for a very long time, but i wonder how much different and better off my life wouldve been back in the old days if it wasnt for all the money i wasted. And it started at the very beginning, at the age of 19 when i inherited about $2000 from the canadian govt and wasted a lot of it on hookers, the rest on traveling to toledo to live, moving into a rooming house, etc.

All my life because of aspergers and emotional issues i havent known how to relate or talk to women. and never owning a car, and not being someone with sits and drinks at the bar or go out to clubs, etc, hasnt helped. not even back in the days women werent interested in strip clubs. i wish i had a picture of me at age 18. at least i was good looking back then and many girls i did fool around with told me they liked my picture. now im just old and ugly. I've not been with any women in many years with the brief exception of Claudia.

so when i was alone in montana back in 2003 without the support network of friends i have now, and also when i was living in the tiny town of lyons ks at my moms house without any women around, i was someone who was easily manipulated into trading money for companionship. especially when they shared my interest in online poker. it wouldnt been so much an issue were i not to have been so broke, with far less than $1000 at that time when many other online pros had far over $100,000. but its killing me to think of how much i wasted back then.

the only person i really think has anything in common with me is Benny, but he isnt available when i need him, and he dont have the problems attracting women ive had, because he owns a car. its amazing how much owning a car improves ones quality of life.

And now ill never hear from these women again, and ill never have the money back. i've just got to make due with what i have, and to learn how to be more selfish and to think only of my financial needs, and not the wishes of anyone else if im going to survive and not be homeless and someday be a success. I need to feel like they feel guilt and asked Gods forgiveness and i need to know God accepts forgives and still is a God who loves us all. especially what to know that God has forgiven me for being so gullible and that i let people emotionally manipulate me so easily, and to put it behind me.

i wonder if id have such a hard time dealing with loss, had it not been for the death of my father, and growing up with only a mother?

but i cant let this be an excuse for any more dumb actions, such as the $350 i lost today on VP and the $150 i lost on poker. i got to stick to games i can beat. when i play VBJ i am still over 100% if i play it right. the VP machines i play were 99-100% so to play them was utterly foolish.

gambling, for a lot of people, is a form of therapy, it takes away pain when u sit there pressing buttons in ur own little world, and is quite addictive. but its a very expensive form of therapy so i have no business doing it. i wouldve played poker instead, but was stuck too much and didnt feel like i could play well anymore.

maybe if i did something right for a change, like see the dentist while im still over 11,000 id gain at least one womans respect, no idea whose, and then id have one less stressful thing hanging over my head?


15 comments:

  1. Tony, gambling is not a form of therapy, because it never takes the pain away. It is an escape, that is all.

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  2. "i've just got to make due with what i have, and to learn how to be more selfish and to think only of my financial needs" - LOL Tony! This is classic!

    How can you put that statement in the same post where you talk about playing VP and not having a car? That's not making due with what you have! Also, not more than 5 days ago, you're complaining about where you live and the need to constantly move! What gives dude?

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  3. You admitted to short coining VP in your endless quest to martingale away your money. So no, the VP you play isn't 99-100%.

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  4. You lost $1500 since you made this post? Take some time off and get your shit together.

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  5. If you had not wasted that money on Britni/Lorna back in the day you would have found something else to waste it on at that time. It would have been like a .05% chance that you would have instead used it to grow a $100K roll back in the primetime of online poker. So... just forget about that painful piece of the past and work on your future instead.

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  6. Tony look...stop beating yourself up because you don't win 100% of the time. Mistakes only count if they can't be corrected, or are continually repeated. A lot of guys think it is their God given birthright to win at poker...just for being born. Like automatically knowing how to drive, and sex up women. On the women side, there is a difference in being lonely...or just being alone. It is a choice in how you feel about it. And success isn't measured by your bankroll. Look at all the "One Hit" wonders of the world, even in poker, and you can clearly see that....Success....Ought never be confused with talent....word.

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  7. Would God agree with you that being more selfish is the answer to all of your problems? How about Jesus? Was he selfish?

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  8. your twitter has you down to 10,000....what happened sir?

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  9. Tony, why don't you just admit that your massive winning session a few days back was a sham? Instead, you throw in some fake dumps at VP and VBJ to give your story that repetitive twist it surely didn't need.

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  10. If it was a matter of trying to decide between buying shares of Tesla at the time and giving money to Britni/Lorna, um you made the wrong decision. I actually like Disney and Starwood Hotels if you want invest part of your roll.

    I was not kidding about the possibility that you may be a celiac and your brain may be sensitive to gluten...try going without bread products for a spell.

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  11. drperlmutter.com. Totally possible that you have inflammation in your brain due to carb sensitivity. You might want to skip the potatoes for a while too. Just see if your mood improves and your thoughts become clearer.

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    1. Any other complex Carbs I should eliminate? I hear rice is somewhat debilitating in the long run. Natural sugar should also be avoided. Fish as a sole protein is now suspect to heavy metal poisoning. Dam.....Good thing I didn't eat at all today. I can always skin a rabbit.

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  12. TBC You are putting issues together that are not connected to your so called life as a gambler. Asperger Syndrome results in social and behavioral problems. Gambling being used to take away depression is why people join Gamblers Anonymous. You are trying to earn a living by mainly playing cards. Correct me if I am wrong. The strong players beat the weak. If you have all these emotional issues to deal with it becomes impossible to be a long time winning player. I do not know how you can expect to make a living playing cards with the problems you keep describing. Its tough enough playing cards when you are rested and know what you want to do. Until you can deal with these issues long term you poker is always going to be below par. Its that simple.

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  13. My latest 12 Step Program is the "AFL" group. Apologize For Living...NOW! Done.....

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  14. Tony, you ever consider ChristianMingle.com to meet a nice woman?

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