Monday, August 27, 2012

good music

Monday, August 13, 2012

Britnis words still haunt me today, and its been over 3 months, she might be dead.

my friend Britni, or ex friend maybe, (although id still love to hang out sometime again)used to tell me something that bothered me, and im pretty sure it was how she truly felt. She was always of the opinion i didnt spend enough time with my son, nor with my mother, but especially my son. i guess thats cause she spent most of her time taking care of friends and family members kids since she had no real job or stable living situation and owed people money, and im still worried what made her ever disappear out of sight, she must of had something really bad happen to her, or fell in love with another guy. she had totally lost interest in online poker due to continous losing and she hasnt been on Yahoo since may 11th. she was always nothing but a friend, (even though she one time when drunk lied and said shed marry me if i quit talking to lorna back in 2008) but she was very emotionally close to me and talked about 2 hours a day back then.

someday when i have money ill trace the names of Britni Sullinan or Sullivan and Ruth or Ruthe Pohl, (name on her elderly friends bank account) both out of portland oregon. maybe an attorney like PPeters would know how to find her.

But anyway this isnt what this post is about. its about something she sincerly believed about me, and i think drove her away, which was totally NOT TRUE. so much of what she believed was so not true. she used to also say i never listened to her or took advice either, and we all know thats not true. Then she used to think i cared more about talking to lorna than her, but that was back in 2006-2007 when i was scared of lorna getting me in trouble with those poker sites. i was afraid to tell Lorna "no". Also she was afraid i couldnt be trusted with a phone number, or address.


This is so, so not true. I get angry when i lose, yes, and im not nearly as concerned about my estranged family than the woman im in love with, but to me, having someone around who loves me and being there for them instead of being emotionally and physically distant is whats most important by far. now i think Britni felt that way because i never would go visit my son or mom, and she insisted i do it for at least 6 months. also she was disappointed i didnt come visit her that one xmas out in CA when she was there a few weeks, but didnt say exactly where, so i didnt want to come and not know how to find her or if shed get on YM while i was there. i came out there months later and didnt know shed left los angeles. i think her sisters family is from there. her dad died, her mom remarried, and her real father was some kind of prop or shill in WA cardrooms many many years ago.

its very very lonely, and hard on me with Claudia gone, especially since she started a long term job, and i hope she still makes it back here after dealing the pokerstars carribean tourney in Jan. she would much rather live her than NY, but just worries about finding steady work. she claims vegas doesnt give people steady work and enough hours like NY does, anyone else know about this? i have no experience in how the employment world works. She claims i got to be patient and realize she cant be around on the phone as much as she used to and i cant call at night because she will be going to bed early, nor can she talk while at work. The idea of a magazine article has completely lost track, her editor friend wasnt interested. she does tell me she really misses spending time with me, and loves my little e-greeting cards which makes me really feel good, but since none of her exes ever lived with her, she cant let me come live with her in NY, and if she was in vegas, she would prefer i just visit her or she come stay over with me 1-2 days a week, not everyday. she needs her space alot more than i need mine, although once in a relationship i might change and really want the space. im just lonely is all.

she says vegas is the best place for me, and she dont have the money to come til she finds work. she dont even have a car in NY and keeps insisting most people in NYC do not have cars, does anyone else believe this to be true? i wish i had money, i wish i didnt feel i had to live somewhere i dont want to be, i worry ill not have the money to maintain this apt and will have to move out very soon, and it looks like i cant even depend on vince to store the things i paid him too, all he does is lose important items i was never to lose, like the Bible grandma gave me as a kid. i wish there was something i could do. i dont care anything about making money, all i care about is being with the one woman who makes me happy and somewhat accepts me as i am. but it seems no one else feels this way, its not ME who cares about the money over relationships.

Britni was wrong, wrong wrong.