Monday, December 31, 2012

well i guess Claudia was right about me needing counseling, but not really for the reasons she said, its not really gambling thats the issue, but the fact i cannot handle ANY KIND of a loss.

u see when i was on that VP bigsplit machine at the eastside cannery yesterday over by their pokerroom, once i was down, even as little as around $20, i did NOT want to get off of it for anything. and i never could get any of it back. So its NOT that i played the machines, it that i couldnt get off it when losing. which is WHY on the machines that were +ev, i still had lots of big drops because id bet way too big to get even on the times i had the edge. And its also why i dont like "better" VP machines such as 100.76% deuces wild where u can only flat bet every hand.

Theres a lot of deep emotional pain from not only losing Claudia, but losing Britni too. (who of course never reads my blog, and now that Claudia is in the Bahamas dealing the PCA tourny she probably isnt either.) Maybe she will see poker monkey, i was surprised when reading his blog the other day to find out he shares some of my political beliefs particularly about obama and Libya. Britni and i used to talk to DAILY online for about 3 yrs or so. So yeah her not being online at all since May 11th of this year has caused a lot of grief, not even knowing whatever became of her. And i was so glad to have found Claudia to take her place as a woman i could share everything with. Cannot believe theres not one guy who reads this blog from the Portland area, who knew Britni whose real name could be Ruthe or catherine Pohl instead of Britni Sullivan or Sullinan. whose screen name for years was formydad on pokerstars, and who spent most of her time with family and friends and taking care of peoples kids and owed bad people money. I'd sure like to find out whatever happened to her. someday when i become wealthy ill hire a private investigator and see if shes still alive.

But yeah its not just a monetary loss i cant handle losing. its any type of loss, and this is why i need a counselor. i really loved and cared about my relationship with claudia, and i wouldve done anything to keep her happy. until she left my life totally, (and lightning says theres no reason to do it anymore because shes gone for good) i did my best to not talk about her in the blog, which was all she ever wanted. i think if id done what she wanted at first, and NOT mentioned our relationship to anyone but Josie, instead of embarrassing her in the blog, i dont think she wouldve ever got rid of me. she was so worried her relationship with me would cost her getting a job dealing next years wsop and told me about it. i wish she wouldve gave me some type of word that she didnt want to talk instead of just disappearing, and wouldve remained friends. And Claudia knows i did my best not to bug her too when she told me how i was bugging her too much. she ever told me i was doing a lot better about not calling her all the time anymore, but what essentially was happening was i was never talking to her at all, because i was afraid to ask about how to go about establishing the relationship back she had originally told me about a week before i moved out of my apt by the hardrock that she needed out of.

In fact, thats a big reason why i gave up the apt. i decided to go to laughlin and play VBJ because i didnt know about the better machine in Jean, and i thought i could figure out the shufffle point. i figured my life was over and there was nothing worth living for if i couldnt figure out how to beat the VBJ so i could go back to being successful, and being someone worthy of finding love. Claudia shouldve seen how telling me that, wouldve caused all of that.

i dont think i ever bothered her talking too much at all. i think it was only an excuse because she was looking for any way to get away, because i had told the whole world about our relationship on my blog.

i have been wondering one thing, and i wonder if this is something a counselor would tell me, is the reason for not being able to handle a loss, because i lost my father to death when i was 1, and grew up without one? am wondering if its deep seated emotional issues from that. for it matters not if i lose money or someones affection, any type of loss is deeply hard on me.

roll is now back at $1700 after selling $44 of my lock money to vook, thank God i won on there last night. if im not up to about $2000 by my check out date Jan 9th, im going to not be able to afford to keep staying here. And i still have $107 in comp dollars in Jean if i need to go back there, or if i find housing in vegas, i can always use that to buy gas or cigarettes for others at the gas station there for cash

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I'm getting tired of NOT having a regular pillow, (having to use the couch cushion as a pillow) and not having a blanket, but a cheap $2 sheet bought at the thrift store, because why pay $8 for a very nice blanket i saw almost like the same one i had at moms house if theres a very good chance ill be moving out once the 2 weeks are up because i wont be able to afford my rent since im not playing $1-2 NL and the smaller games its harder to overcome the rake and jackpot drops. Especially with this damn $2 jackpot drop everywhere.

This of course is the same reason i bought a limited amount of food, only 1 cereal bowl for 50c in the thrift shop, NO pan, no dishsoap, 1 towel, already had 2 washrags, etc. a lot of things id desperately need if i was staying here long term i didnt buy. am still extremely worried about money, (in a way i wouldnt be if i had $3000). Rolls still in the $1600s, and im lucky to have that, with all the expenses in moving in, and having recently paid my internet bill. I shouldve bought a larger size milk though, (so i could have something to drink, and to eat cereal). i didnt realize how fast the smaller size one would disappear. the smaller size one is also more expensive per ounce. And I'm still seeing a lot of roaches in here even after they sprayed a day or 2 ago. i think the maintenance guy couldve sprayed a bit more. he said i could contact the office again in a couple days to spray again. Is the borax mom suggested expensive to buy, and would it do more good than him spraying?

Yes, i am very lucky to have a microwave. They told me in the office the room didnt have a microwave, but it did. I did NOT want to lose that other microwave, thats why i went back to get it with vince. i think i couldve fought it legally at the time as an unlawful eviction and maybe they had them in storage somewhere, but never bothered.

and i have not played a single video poker machine probably not in 2 months. i cured myself of that bad habit. And since returning to vegas, i havent played a VBJ machine either, mainly because ive not been around the same kind as they have out in Jean, and i certainly dont want to play any other kind. So I'm playing nothing but live poker, and online poker, no table games either. Has that gotten me my bankroll back and overcame all my worries? well no, but had i never played anything the entire last year that i didnt think was plus EV, id have lost a lot less on machines. id still had the final drop from $4000 to $1000 because i thought the other VBJ could be beat, but i sure wouldve cut out all the times i lost a few hundred on bad machines like the wynn and all the bad ones in various harrahs properties. And then the roll wouldve been a whole lot higher than $4000 to begin with. And of course, its also been a long long time since ive even considered giving any money to any woman, except of course, the cocktail waitress.

Claudia (who never ever talks to me, answers emails, or take phone calls) always said i had a gambling problem and I'd never get rid of it without mental health counseling. While she was here, she didnt seem to have a problem with me gambling for a living, even though she went to arrange hooking me back up with SSI, and had poker Johnny take me to an apt with SSI. But after she left, and told me a few weeks later she couldnt handle having a relationship with me because I'm too much drama and stress, (and after i had lost my apartment at harbor Island by the Hard rock--and my roll was MUCH less) which is why i kept telling her how i worried id lose everything if i continued to play $1-2 NL, (even though my cell phone records showed me winning over $3000 in 5 weeks time at it) Funny how i thought playing $1-2 might get me broke when thats what i was winning at, but the much more severe variance and swings at it scare u to death when u have almost nothing left. This is why im still not playing $1-2 NL, although if i was 20 yrs younger id have thought NOTHING of playing it even with a roll of about $1000 LESS. Too old to sleep outdoors and on buses anymore, i slept on those things back in my 20s, and lived most of those years without an apt, and its why ive had so many bad experiences and have a warped view of life and relationships.

I guess what im trying to get at, is its not the gambling i need the counseling for, its other issues. She told me id never make it without trying to get hooked up with social services and that i should be out trying to find a job. She actually said that i shouldnt ever be in a casino again without having counseling first, because i would NEVER be able to stop gambling on -EV games. I think pretty much anything she ever told me or thought about me was wrong, because it seems like ive pretty much stopped those activities entirely. (she also wouldnt believe the dealers angels VBJ machine was +ev). She also didnt think i could make it at poker either, said i get too emotional or whatever. I am sure i can make it at poker, the ONLY reason i might not and worry so much about it is because my bankroll is way too short to make it, not my poker skills, for the phone records i used to keep when i played NL proves that. the only reason im not keeping them now is there isnt a way to seperate NL and other types of games, and i dont want to mix them any worse than they already got mixed.

Claudia pretty much set out to destroy my whole life. I guess because she was angry at me that i loved the relationship we had when she was here, and wanted our life back. I dont know if she originally intended to do that when she first considered writing a magazine article about me, or if she took that turn when she became angry i wouldnt just consider her a former fling and let her go, she became really angry at me when she realized relationships were not something i see frivoulousy and wanted a real friend, and the real thing. And that certainly wasnt what she wanted, was to show any real caring or any real friendship. All she wanted was to quickly get away, and to forget she ever had invited me into her life. I think this started because she wanted to keep our relationship secret at the beginning, and i wanted to tell everyone, and she only wanted me to talk with Josie and possibly Grump. But not to ever be mentioning her in the blog.

Claudia set out to destroy my life so much, she even called the police on me while i was in Jean, to come check on me to make sure i was ok and wasnt going to harm anyone or myself. And i told Josie and lightning about it a week or 2 ago and had a long talk with lightning, and now Josie wont hardly speak to me either due to all the stress. I was so upset i couldnt depend on Claudia to talk to anymore, i started to depend on Josie way too much, she couldnt handle it, and also dropped out except to wish u all a merry christmas on my blog. I last heard from Claudia several days before xmas. not once over xmas, no card, no text no nothing. and wont ever again either. Claudia did that, after i told her how i was feeling so depressed about her not talking to me, and how i told her the shooter up there probably had friends just like her that had given up on him, and maybe id turn out like him someday, but i assured her i wasnt dangerous and would never harm innocent kids, only those whove caused me serious problems in life, so why she did that ill never know. She shouldve known a lot better, anyone who knows me knows im completely afraid of violence, and wouldnt ever be around guns, or harm a flea, and i hate those who harm animals too, especially cats. Has a reason to do with why i dont like my son Mark. Anyone who knows me knows all i am is talk when im mad. so why she scared me to death, told security in Jean about the 86 at the mirage, and had cops knocking on my door asking me if im ok or need to talk to anyone, is beyond me. im lucky security told the cops they didnt mind me staying there, and all was still cool after the cops left. and shes never contacted me again at all.

This hurt because i felt like she was someone i could really trust, who had at least some type of feelings and care towards me. But not having Josie around bothers me more so than Claudia, but Josie is just worn out with all the stress, she dont feel the same anger and bitterness and hatred of me that Claudia feels i think. I wish Claudia couldve just had the secret affair with me she wanted, and still be looking forward to coming to vegas and seeing me again, instead of letting herself get so emotionally worked up over little things id do or say, and just stayed out of the other problems going on in my life. she didnt have to be my counselor adviser and social worker too. she couldve just been my lover and nothing else. all i really needed was a hug and a kiss, not someone who tried to get so involved they wanted me to give up all gambling and spend the whole day around severly retarded people, and now even got seattle irish thinking that way too.

basically all i wanted was a woman to see me as "normal" and capable of having a regular bf gf type relationship, go places, movies, dinners, walks, etc with. something to do to take the break from poker others wanted for me. not one whod constantly be telling me i shouldnt gamble and get counseling.

me losing so much in the past due to playing games i shouldnt outside of poker doesnt mean any of those things. it just means i should stick to what is most productive for me. i cannot create a new life, by doing things i am NOT HAPPY and NOT COMFORTABLE doing, and her and seattle irish think i should. i'm going to live my life the way i always have, and thats doing what i want to do with my time, and what makes me happy. i shouldnt have to change and give up my life for anyone. i was the happiest and most relaxed the time i was in Jean not stressed about bills, and yet because i had less money she thought i was at my worst. why did i get a text a few weeks ago when lightning was going to be in town saying she hoped i was really happy and would enjoy the weekend with him, if what she really wanted was not what makes me happy, but what she wanted me to do with myself?

i think she was just terrible embarrassed she ever liked me in the first place, and was worried it would make it harder to get hired at the wsop in the future, she essentially told me this, and thats why she begged me not to say things in my blog she told me about various players and dealers which of course ive respected. But she didnt seem to in turn think i was a real person worthy of likewise being treated with respect, not a piece of trash u throw away if its inconvenient. I guess thats too much to expect of someone who supports abortion.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

not in Jean

i am in vegas, should hear from vince today. paid $336 to have a place to stay for 2 weeks, down to $1400 now, more details later. going to be playing a little poker, might be back in jean soon. too many roaches here. vince will try and get me to a dr who can help me with ssi

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas everyone

Well i see not many updating their blogs, im sure everyone other than me has family theyre hanging out with, or is quite busy at the moment. someday, i would like to be a part of a family too, at least a wife that is to relax and celebrate with, and to buy presents for and receive presents from. If i ever come into serious money (and i will of course if i keep doing what im doing) id like a nice house someday too. Christmas is when u realize how all alone u really are, if u are not in a relationship. This Christmas im not doing much of anything. I wrote Grump a letter the other day, suggesting we write up a blog and spend the day finding someone to do a good deed for, but he will be with an unspoken friend i have no idea who. I figured it would at least make me feel better over the holidays. Last Christmas was when i thought i might get to see Carmen who called and seemed to be in some sort of trouble but then i never did and i found out a day or 2 later she was in jail. Ever since shes not said hardly a word, pretty much the same as any other woman ive ever talked with. This year shes doing a lot better, the new pics of her and her family on her blog are great. thats a nice clubhouse, i wouldnt mind living in a fancy apt community like that someday if i had money, wherever that is. i dont think ive ever lived in a real apt community that had a clubhouse since i always lived wherever i could live the cheapest. (with the exception of the time i splurged in reno and got a 2 story apt for $950 a month). i dont know why i did that, (or took the $800 cab). its just i was over $10k and i felt really really rich, since i never have that kind of money.

and today i feel good also, and feel rich again. u see my roll is back to the $1800s. now i know to most of u, thats not a lot of money, but considering the $1100 i had mid nov, (and the worry id lose it all), to me thats a ton. i am now only paranoid they might decide to get rid of the VBJ machine, not that i wont win on it. all the play in the last 2 months solely on this VBJ, (none of the old bad 6 deck shufflemaster VBJ--and no video poker at all) have showed me the importance of knowing exactly when the shuffle takes place. Thank God for Jason, (who told me about Jean) who a lot of people know as Cutter, and i still havent figured out who the chaperone is on That website that has the big thread about me didnt approve my application to post, u cannot register unless u are approved by a mod, must just be a group of about 50 friends.

my only worry is im not getting in near enough play a day, i waste too much time in my room on lock because i find that to be a better use of my time. u see its taking forever to grind out the comps every day and they are really cutting back on giving me the buffet tickets, they want me to earn and use the comps instead. i should be playing far more hours if i dont want to start running out of comps. ive never been able to save up a ton of comps to buy things at the gas station like i thought i would when i first came, but of course when i first came, i thought id be spreading to like 5 hands of $30 each, instead of up to 5 hands of only half that. and also i know im due to lose soon, but hopefully when i do it wont be twice in a row, and will remain small, like under $100.

also someone claims they have the VBJ dealers angels machines in the venetian, i find that hard to believe, the min must be a lot more or the rules worse, is this true? ive never seen it when i was last in there before they changed the poker room. im still trying to find these somewhere in any other little town in northern NV or any other state im not aware of.

if i ever am well off enough financially to afford a nice apt i know for sure ill be keeping long term, ill get me a pet, that way i wont be as lonely. for sure a cat instead of a dog, and at least i wont worry about what men the pet will let in in the middle of the night while i sleep unlike a woman. this year wasnt so good, i made a lot of poor financial decisions ive been making a lot of over the years, but im over them now. its been almost 2 months since i played video poker, (without claiming freeplay) and almost as long since ive played live poker, especially $1-2 NL. Thank God also that the players in the PLO lower stakes games on lock are so horrible. am learning that game enough to be folding aa sometimes preflop

Friday, December 21, 2012

good news for a change

Is everyone tired of reading nothing but bad news all the time? well ive got some good news for a change. Since i wont be needing that allegiant voucher to go to CO or deadwood after all, i put it up for sale on 2+2 and managed to find a buyer willing to give me the whole $144 (on lock poker, which is worth like 75% of that). ive already received his money, sent vook $100 of it, and gave him the code. i pray it all works out ok for him, am afraid he might try to claim the code didnt work when really it does just to try and get this for free. (or to get me to send the money back since he already now knows the code). but maybe all will go okay. what should i do if he tries and say the code dont work?

and with that, im now in the $1400s. thats not much, but at least things have been pretty stable over the last month, (as far as holding onto what little i had left and keeping steady housing) and ive still got $96 left on lock to work with too. and also ive got a nice jacket now thanks to tatude. Also grump did me a very nice thing today, he sent me a xmas ecard. My mom also said my son received his xmas gift from me today, (the movie we picked out on no one else got any gifts.


well i got tied up in the middle of writing this blog post a couple hours ago and had to wait til now to finish it. the guy was having a problem with the voucher, so i had to call allegiant (was on hold forever) and get it transferred into his name. it finally got solved, he now has his flight booked, and of course i have the money. so now ill definitely be staying in the area. although of course some days i couldve flown as low as $55 without the voucher.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Been really annoyed by people not answering my emails, texts, facebook posts, etc. Looks like there is no option but to call the poker room in CO and find out how in the anyone can live there long term without them being filled up a lot of the time, such as NYE, etc. i cannot understand why every homeless poker player i ever knew in vegas sleeping in their car, and showering in the spa with their diamond card wouldnt want to move there so they wouldnt be homeless no more if true. need to find out what the gimmick is. anyone can put in 4 hours a day. Thanks very much to AKgal for being willing to phone them, but how can there be no game after noon on a weekday?

im not nearly as upset with them, as i am the autism research program at UNLV. they were last on their facebook page sunday, they mightve not seen my email or facebook yet. But for that autism research place theres no excuse, especially when someone pours their heart out about their struggles with emotional problems. that place isnt around to help out anyone. its only around to make money, and once they seen i was homeless and couldnt pay the fee, they thought it best to ignore me. and then they wonder why so many mentally ill people do such horrible acts u read about in the news.

the comment RFC made about my mom the other day is unacceptable, and i shouldnt have approved it. everyone shouldve told him so instead of just ignoring his comment. all my mom thinks is that there are a lot of mentally ill people who need to be confined, who are running loose on the streets without any type of services, and the reason for this is the way liberals said they shouldnt be committed against thier will, so a lot of mental hospitals turned their patients loose and began closing down, after the courts stopped allowing "involuntary commitment" except in cases of dire emergency. not only that, u cannot even voluntarily commit urself unless u claim u are suicidal. i know because around the time i was age 18-23 and met Sue, (marks mother) i used to try to do this alot to get admitted so i wouldnt be homeless, and could sit and work on jigsaw puzzles. my mother took care of my Aunt Patty for a year once (is dead now) but my aunt at one point was institutionalized for some time.

u shouldnt talk about someones mom badly. my mom is one of the most caring people there is as far as trying to help others, is why she agreed to take care of my son for me when he was born. before that even.

thats why there was the shooting. had nothing to do with guns, it was because of mental illness, and people taking God out of the schools and teaching us were just animals. it was a terrible thing what he did to those kids, doing it to adults whove mistreated him wouldve been far more understandable. but those kids were innocent and didnt deserve it. also uve got to blame the media, and in addition, ourselves for talking about this. without all this attention, these things would happen far less. people are too vouyeristic which is why i need to ban a lot of people from commenting in my blog ive not yet done. im getting tired of all the negativity, because im sure its whats drove off Josie.

and im still in the $1400s, won $80 today on the VBJ. am almost back to the $1500s. also i talked to my son last night, thanked him for his Christmas gift he sent to vinces house, and picked out something with him on (a movie he wanted) and ordered it for him. its the only christmas gift i bought anyone, and i wont be getting anything else i know of either. i'm just relieved to be off the streets, and its been over a month now ive not been playing poker and had $1100, and yet im still surviving somehow. i feel like i do ok for my limited options, and skills. also i feel like my PLO high game is improving the more i play it online in the lower stakes. the players seem to be much worse in it than they are in plo8 and holdem, anyone have any theories as to why this is?

one thing i do wish is that i could somehow get my sleep hours changed, but im not forcing myself awake after 3-4 hours sleep just to change my hours. nor can i sleep when im not yet tired. and even after sending vook the $60 yesterday, ive still got $40 left on lock right now.

also, i guarantee u if i dont hear from that poker room in the next day or so, ill call them and let u know all the details before my next blog post. i just dont see how anyone can stay there long term without them being sold out some days. most co casinos offer very few hotel rooms.

heres the far more important issue no one is talking about. can i survive without going broke on a $1400-1500 roll in colorado playing $2-10 spread limit (the main game going). can i survive without going broke easier playing that game, or can i survive easier playing the VBJ machine here in jean? i truly do not know. ive survived so far here in jean off such little money for 6 weeks, but i really dont know how i would do at $2-10 spread since im used to $1-2 NL, which requires a much bigger roll. now they do have $1-2 NL (with $100 capped betting) but it dont run as often. and there are also 2 other poker rooms within walking distance although being way below zero everyday outside im sure id need a much better coat. am wondering if there are any walmart stores in cripple creek or the equivalent? anyone ever been there? i doubt anyone but local co residents bother to go there.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Plans with vince

Although i didnt get to see Vince last weekend, and pick up some important mail from him mom wanted me to see, i should be able to next week after Christmas. he flies to the east coast saturday and returns tuesday night.

he tells me that his gf anne told him how to get me hooked up back with ssi a doctor and an atty. anne is often dependent on the welfare system, but does have a low paying job most of the time besides that. im supposed to get some type of card called a temporary medical card, that i have to apply for the real thing within 3 months. (i wonder if mr subliminal knows about this) too bad i cant talk to him if he does. he said once i get this card (and claimed they give it out fast to all who apply) i could see a dr at something called lyte clinic (no idea how its spelled, was listening to how he pronounced it on the phone) and get a diagnoses to show ssi, and he claims i need chickenstone as my attorny.

well i called chickenstone and they wouldnt take me because i have no doctor. but vince says this will get me a dr and they will then take me. he claims it should be fairly easy for me to get back on since i was approved for SSI before.

im not so sure being on SSI is such a great thing, $600 a month dont even cover rent, and id still be bitterly poor. id rather be independent, but right now i need every dime i can get. its difficult for me to see how people getting only that, or only welfare, survive and get by. no wonder theres so much crime and dishonesty. and of course, (as uve seen in my comments in robs blog) makes me even more pissed off that women dont want a man nowdays to help support them emotionally and financially and instead just want to become gay.

Vince said he could pick me up next tuesday night once he gets to the airport, and bring me into vegas, stay at his house 2-3 days while i get the card, see a dr, and then drive me back out to Jean. which is nice of him. i dont think it will nearly be as fast and easy as he thinks and as his gf anne claims. Nor do i think getting back on SSI will be easy. remember ssi never approved me the first time, i was denied more than once, only a judge approved my case and got me on. he also says i can get the disabled bus pass once i see a dr. that shouldve been done 10 yrs ago. id saved a fortune over the years. but me, i just cannot stand sitting around at govt agencies.

and now for the good news. roll is back to $1300. won over $160, and had the best luck ive ever had here in Jean on the VBJ, and im still working on the $30 for saturdays room in comp dollars. didnt do so well online though, my $51 is down to about $38.

also make sure u didnt miss yesterdays blog post with the picture of Liz. i think i typed 2 posts way too close together again within less than 24 hours.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

well im back in Jean now, and down to $1100. no comps available anywhere. all the ones i had in Jean, i used to keep a roof overhead til saturday of this week. all the comps i had at circus were used on this weekends room. all the comps i had at the wynn, i used to eat the buffet with Liz (shown in the above picture, a regular player in the riviera poker room, and her mother). and they gave me $20 each towards the bill, which was $119 for the 3 of us. also she is well known and written about on wicked chops poker, i didnt know that, shes won some tournys. the only thing Liz isnt so good about is answering emails. But its the same with every woman as far as answering my emails and Pms. I really appreciate having those comps off my mind and as poor as i am id be quite a bit poorer without the $40, plus it was nice having a good meal. a lot of people on my facebook complemented her picture.

on the way back here this morning with tatude, i bought some clothes (shirts) in a thrift store, so i dont need to wash clothes as often. used to have a ton of them, but my readers had encouraged me to throw away so many, was down to about 15. now im back closer to 30. wish id never thrown those away, but i lived at home at the time, and doing laundry was simple. and i still think a bunch got lost in ac.

still only about $48 on lock poker. my roll is so low my max bet is down to $12 now. and i think thats still too high for the roll really. But i seldom make a max bet. the trip to vegas was a total waste, and ill planned. about $300 went down the tubes while in vegas, and i didnt get in to see any social agencies. the agency i did pour my heart out to totally ignored my email, which was very rude of unprofessional. i never did get around to calling that outreach clinic for the homeless to ask about a dr, because i knew id no longer be in vegas once they were open.

mom is bugging me to come home to KS, not to live, she says she couldnt handle me there more than a week, but just long enough to see the same dr mark sees and get a diagnoses which he can only give me in person. she says he will help me with ssi. its a new doctor whose never met me. she claims all she remembers is legal aid in hutchinson helped find her the atty who got me ssi, who he was no one knows. But im sure it would take way longer than that to be seen and diagnosed accurately and its too cold of a place to go because id want to live alone, and id not want to run out of money. would like a roll of at least $3000, especially traveling both ways and wanting enough to live on too.

she wrote on her facebook page about the school shooting, and how angry she was with obama for wasting money giving it to the muslim brotherhood, instead of using it for housing for the mentally ill. she is upset liberals caused the closing years ago of so many mental health centers and put people on the street. i asked seattle irish to look at it.

am surprised she would not want me to live there with her more than a week, i didnt want to at all, but always thought shed take me in in an emergency. she says she is way too old to deal with me, and Mark both.

really dont feel like i have any good options. i was too afraid to play ANY NL while i was in vegas, but still lost $100 in stud, and won only $55 back in $2-4. (lost $3 southpoint with grump) and won $58 in the nugget $2-4. never even got over to suncoast, but wouldve had i been downtown and couldve used the WAX express, making it only one bus. its the same bus that connects the airport express bus to downtown and summerlin, check it out if u arent a local and coming to vegas. much better and faster than the regular airport bus, and it does make 1 stop only on the strip.

if i was to live in vegas, id do it in a cheap area of downtown thats not the safest, simply to be convenient to that bus and the sams town bus. also ive always thought $2-4 fixed limit the rake isnt beatable and thats probably true. so i was surprised i made it out of the nugget after 7 hours still up $58. the only other thing i can try and get some money out of, is my allegiant voucher im still trying to sell. Grump wondered why i hadnt given it to lightning to sell, i thought i could get a better price but im probably wrong.

also it was nice of tatude to offer to buy my food at jack in the box on the way home. Ive not left my room at all since coming to jean. and i tried to get Vince to see me while in vegas, i really need to get some mail from him. wish hed drive out here, he also likes the machine.

Friday, December 14, 2012

here in vegas for a brief moment

tatude sent me the link to this organization that he thought could help me, so i sent them this email, i fully expect them to ignore it and NOT answer, or send me the same type of hate filled reply all the blog readers send me, telling me im a bum and to just go apply for welfare and be thankful we have obama (dumb enough to believe he has anything to do with it). On the spur of the moment, without any advance thought, decided to get checked out before 11am yesterday so i could get back all the prepaid comps i had for the rest of the weeks stay, so whenever im around that casino again ill have $65 in comps again. tatude can drive me back sunday but he isnt returning to cali yet.

thought i could get 3 free nights at circus but i couldnt since i had no play, used up my comps and paid money but not much. also i found out about the bus to suncoast, it also goes to the airport, and u can get it every hour at 4th and carson, which is nice, but not helpful as it goes nowhere near here. would only be helpful if i lived near grump. someone said to try the beverly palms, i worry about my safety if i lived downtown.

actually to be honest, they will ignore the letter or just say their lowest fee is $575 to be evaluated and given a diagnoses. (yeah i looked at their other PDF documents u can download). the ones for the "sliding scale".


Friday, December 14, 2012 12:31 PM
From: "Tony Bigcharles" Add sender to ContactsTo:

i am homeless, and trying to get my SSI denial appealed. i couldnt find an attorney willing to assist me in the appeal, because i am not "seeing a doctor".

lived my whole life with aspergers, no need to see a dr, im pretty much the person who keeps to myself instead of being around others. i supported myself playing poker, and recently lost everything.

i used to get ssi, then it stopped over a year ago when i won a large jackpot. now im about broke and cant afford housing. am living in Jean NV off $12 dollars a day in comps til i run out, because i cannot afford a place to live anywhere else where id have to pay cash. all the cheap places in vegas are way too unsafe to live in since im white.

am in vegas til sunday for 2 days, really need to go somewhere and get help with ssi today, i dont know where to go. i need to find an atty who can accept me, and i need help with finding a dr, and i have no money. also i could get a disabled bus pass and save a lot of money if i only had some way to prove i have the autism.

ive had it since birth, but no idea how to prove it, except that i used to get ssi for it in the past. my mom is old, age 70 and she has no idea what dr or lawyer i used years ago. ssi claims my old records are "sealed' and they dont know.

because i was off ssi for over a year i had to start all over from scratch. applied in august, got denied in oct and now im reappealing it. and theres NOTHING medically any different about me.

can u please tell me how a homeless broke guy finds a dr? i was hoping the sliding scale was like the "gambling counseling" i used to get from UNLV that was only $5 week, and then i left the area and stopped going. i dont feel i need to talk to a dr, but i need to somehow prove i have a disability to both an ssi attorny, and to the city bus, i cant afford to pay full fare all the time.

yes i know i need to be in vegas to get help with social agencies, or even to go and apply for food stamps, but as a Christian and a republican i not only feel thats wrong morally, i am afraid they wont accept me because i cant prove my citizenship because i was born in canada. to an american parent, but still , it caused trouble years ago.

all i want is a disabled bus pass, and to get ssi again, im broke and desperate and dont want to go back to panhandling. thats how i got the money for years. is there anyone willing to pay the fee for me so i dont have to beg for money?

i cannot get a NV id because of it so every 4 yrs i have to return to louisiana to get an id there. need a way to solve that too. i just cant bring myself to be in vegas on the streets if i can survive in Jean another 3-4 weeks off old comp dollars from the goldstrike casino. where else can i live $12 a night in a casino?

someone please help me know what to do long term. they tell me i cant get a disabled pass unless a dr tells them i need it

also id appreciate it if u guys would please contact my mother in ks. and she will verify my condition. she is sherry Bigcharles on facebook, only 1 person in the world with the same name.

i have an online blog that talks about my struggles with autism everyday and the pain of trying to survive gambling and being homeless. go to and u will learn alot.

cannot understand why im not doing better in stud, played it for years and won small amounts. i guess only the old stud experts play there, not tourists, although one lady always loses and is very bad.

dropped $100 there since coming to vegas, played stud all day with a dead cell phone unable to contact anyone and didnt realize grump didnt get my letter i sent yesterday afternoon, now everyone seems to be asleep. had a long rest with a lot of nightmares.

and of course, there is NO $2-6 spread game at the riv, so i sure cant afford to play any poker around here. have checked a lot on bravo lately even while out of town to be sure, and never once seen it listed.

seattle irish did say he might run me out to opp village saturday, but thats NOT where i think i go to get this. thats only for disabled people working there, and im sure they need proof before they can be screened by an employee from a dr.

maybe since this other service is done by UNLV, seattle irish will go and talk to them explaining how he knows me and the letter is legit?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

tatude is coming by here on his way from cali at 11am today, and he wouldve drove me into vegas if id wanted, but i have nowhere to stay, although its possible susan wouldve gave me a free room at circus again, but i never asked and besides the last time she gave me one, im sure me having NO PLAY didnt look good.

he will be dropping off a few food items and some other things. i am considering seeing about going back to cali sunday with him, so i can take the short bus ride into Reno so i can get a place to stay, play $1-5 stud daily at the eldorado, also $30 min buyin $1-2 NL, and see a dr and an atty. id never be playing any machines there, none of this good kind of VBJ exist there.

am playing a few sngs on lock, about $30+ there depending on how i do, and a live roll of $1400 still. lost back over $100 yesterday.

i tried to find me an attorny to take my SSI case but none of them will accept someone who isnt seeing a dr. aspergers isnt really something u need to see a dr for, so what do i do? i was told before i needed to be hooked up with social services, but i understand that to mean get on welfare, and that wasnt what i wanted to spend a lot of wasted time trying to do. although it would be so helpful to me if i could find a social agency dr etc that could get me a reduced fare bus pass, it wouldve saved me so much money over the years, but i really have no idea where to go. i dont like asking for help from agencies and the govt, i just dont feel right doing it. i only feel right in asking individuals, because i believe thats the way things are supposed to be, and we should help others if we have money instead of depending on the govt to do it. also, its a pain in the butt.

im worried about how i can find an atty to help me with my ssi denial, thats on appeal now, and i wouldnt know the first thing about how to talk to a dr. and id also like to know if ANY readers live near reno, i dont think any do, but u never know. am so relieved i was able to use that deposit to cover this months phone bill.

and although im really worried how ill survive if i leave, im sick and tired of not playing any poker. did u realize i only played NL once in 2 months? never thought that time would come.

Monday, December 10, 2012

one of few people who hasnt bought and sold thru amazon and ebay

i figured id be better off if i did all my sleeping at times theres likely to be other people on the VBJ, and only played when it was empty. So i tried to fall asleep before noon today, and managed to go back to sleep more than once for a 5 hour nap. and im hungry because i ate the buffet earlier at breakfast and have no ticket now, but ive still got 8 more soups left. i spent far too little on food, $9-10 was NOT enough for a months supply.

so back in the "old days" when i used to live in cheap motels etc far more, and in the casinos a lot less, I remember buying groceries alot at a store called ALDIS. they are not in a lot of cities, including vegas. but im sure some of the readers has one located near them. It was a much cheaper warehouse type grocery store than either food4less or walmsrts, which is about as low as u can get in vegas. as far as i knew, it was always the lowest price food store anywhere in the country. and a 6 pack of snickers bars was often $2.29 and i think later went up to $2.49.

I wish i knew where the cheapest store was in the entire usa for groceries. decided to research online typing up cheap snickers bars, cheap hershey bars. and i found out that amazon sells groceries. never knew that. But to me they dont seem that cheap. i wouldve thought for sure u can get them for not more than 50c each at least SOMEWHERE, and that dont seem possible. and of course i forgot about shipping. This was about the best i could find.

is it possible to buy any type of food online really cheap? where? and what type of food item? or because of shipping costs, does everyone always buy their food at their local grocery stores? thought this might be a good idea but i guess not. some of the items claimed they could ship by dec 12, but that cant be. that would make the shipping high.

also, where and how do u buy gift certificates at a far below market value, which essentially decreases the cost of ur purchase on amazon? id swear theres people who sell gift certificates cheap isnt there? i know Britni had me give her money before by me buying an amazon certificate and she used it for a machine to quit smoking.

and u wouldnt believe how TIGHT people are online when playing only 2c4c on the NL tables. its weird, because the 6 max omaha high tables arent tight like that. only the holdem tables. even in the casino its looser than that for far higher stakes.

---and also i tried looking up allegiant air vouchers on amazon and ebay, there dont even seem to be a category everything i found under allegiant wasnt a ticket, but some other type of memorabilia. so how would i sell there?

funny how i wasnt so worried about homelessness and poverty when traveling on greyhound about 10 yrs ago and found a place in Butte Mt for $230 a month, and had somewhat less than $900 to live off, but yet worry so much about it now. i used to be really broke a lot in the old days of using greyhound buses. gave me a bad opinion of buses and is why i didnt listen to advice to save money using them more recently but i sure could use that $800 now. But in those days there was party poker and netteller, and good games available online and players who werent good.

i wish i couldve slept 3 more hours til 8, and then woke up to be ready to play the VBJ at a time less people would be on it. doubt i could go play on it now, and i have only $18 on lock, so i cant play too much in my room. am heating up one of the soups.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The reason i dont think I'm a bad DON higher limit online player is not only because i used to do well on BCP and pokerstars in the old days, its because when i lose a sng, i see the person who beat me NOT PLAYING WELL. and believe when i say me raising to 90 preflop, him reraising to 240, me re-raising to 700 and him shoving allin 1500 with QQ is a BAAD play. even more so in a DON format tourny where getting first gains u nothing.

the real reason online dont work out so well is there is NOT enough games going. and the amount u win per hour is so low if u arent playing a lot of tables. except for that omaha8 game in summerlin, i really dont know what chance i have to recover unless i want to risk losing everything $100 at a shot in a good $1-2 NL game like at the nugget. And if i did that, it would be better off if i took a bus to cali and just slept outside every night outside oceans 11. (because if no one was aware of my financial situation and my blog, then maybe theyd not make moves against me, or at least i wouldnt be tempted to call THINKING they might just be making moves against me.

playing here at the casino for rooms on the VBJ isnt working so well for me either, im down to $1200 again. yeah i lost over $400 today, also lost my discipline and bet the entire stack on every hand on a plus 6 count which included 2 bets of $100 each. good thing i surrendered both hands and wasnt doubling or splitting without enough to do so.

if i was to leave today, id get back the comps for mondays room, and tues room, totalling $24, and i also have $28 more in comps for $52 altogether. would anyone come get me if i got them some gas, and id also be able to arrange to sell them up to $50 worth of gas total for a little bit of cash. it would get me back to poker with the last of my money. Being here dont seem to work, but i cant really go into vegas when i have no place to live when i get there can i? i just would like to go somewhere and play poker if anyone is willing to play poker. maybe ill use my allegiant voucher to fly out of here. but where? anywhere in MT or WA offering spread limit that wouldnt know me at all? i think those are the type of games i should be in. is there anywhere i can play in vegas no one will know me at all? grump is right.

oh--and as far as this months $93 phone bill about to be auto deducted out on the 12th at any moment, i just got done calling it, and REMOVING the auto deduction feature from my phone. that way it cant be done in the future. i managed to do it in time before the 12th to have it removed, and then i paid the bill with the $100 security deposit i gave them last Nov back in reno when i got a new phone, that i was now eligible to get back. in fact had i remembered it i couldve got it back last month, but id already paid the bill. and ive also got a $7 credit now on next months bill. so at least that bill is no longer hanging over my head about to drop me down another $100.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


In my room, heating up soups, starved to death. Signed up for a $25 don sng on lock whenever it hurry up and fills, and put the other $16 in play on a NL holdem table. (too much for PLO since im less familiar with that game and id have had to wait longer for a seat probably). A little bit on tilt because i finally had that long overdue loss.

yeah i was at $1985 when i went to bed last night, and was really wanting that last $15 so i could go and make a blog post about how glad i was to finally be back over $2000 and how much less worried id be. Slept the wrong hours, and woke up a little after 6am. (would rather be waking up about 1-2am) so i could have it all night without many people in the casino.

The shoe was getting to be somewhat in my favor, and id been slowly raising my bets, and wasnt winning. i must admit, ive been lucky to be up so much lately. why? because when i was behind, i was often betting the amount i was behind split up between 3 to 5 spots (so as not to bet too much a spot) on the first hand of a new shoe when i knew the count would be flat out of fear the count would be negative on all the rest of the hands possibly. so lets say i ended the previous shoe down $38. id bet like 3 hands of $8 and 2 hands of $7 to total $38 and to not bet too much per hand. if i won on all, id be no longer down from my high water mark. I didnt follow this entirely, just somewhat and made adjustments based on various things. i get tired a lot of just having to sit and wait all the time flat betting $1 one spot almost the entire shoe. and sometimes when im up and want to leave, i feel like i cant because the count is too good, then i give back most of the win. or sometimes greatly increase the win. yes, theres variance.

a poker player can always quit with a win without feeling like a dummy for leaving. a BJ pro always feels like its foolish to quit in the middle of a shoe with a good count, and that no matter what he is winning or losing, he is forced to stay and keep playing until the count turns negative. it just dont seem to make any sense to quit a game while the deck is favoring the player instead of the house.

so thats why, with a count of plus 8, and having just lost $95 + one $19 double down on 5 spots, I couldnt just get up and leave after losing that hand, and being down $203. finished out the shoe, still betting too much, but not that much, and 2 more shoes, til i finally got one starting off with a bad count, and then FINALLY left stuck $377 and quite pissed. new roll is barely $1600. Only that one time did i ever bet with $19 bets or more per hand, but i did have some $10 and up bets on other hands at times. am thinking 1% is too high to bet really, but i still remember being told earlier my spread wasnt wide enough to beat the game. am now wondering if my spread is too wide, and what is the lowest spread thats still wide enough, but not too wide?

i have got to quit raising my bets on flat counts of new shoes just because im behind and feel it might be many many shoes before a deck finally has a plus count, but im playing the same way i played to get my roll back to $1900 from $1100. thats why i said, i was just lucky earlier. sure im not overbetting my edge, but im raising the bets before i should just because it might be the ONLY hand for many shoes without a negative count.

i still think i could win if i changed my betting patterns, (to wait longer to make the larger sized bets) but i fear it would add even more variance, be alot more boring, and make it take much longer to earn my room comps. and i still wish a professional counter would sit here with me and give me advice. also im wondering if maybe i shouldve just gone back into vegas, and played at the suncoast.

Friday, December 7, 2012

What to do (and more importantly, when)

things are going ok, roll is up to $1900 now (not counting the fact i keep losing higher stakes sngs on lock) which is the highest its been in a long time. room's paid up over the weekend til monday. As commented on yesterday and im not if anyone seen it because no one said anything, allegiant is offering nonstop flights to reno starting in Feb. I'm now in a room which I actually like because there is NO connecting door, so i feel much safer, and also feel good that i finally have enough money to be using a safe deposit box again. Also its nice to have food in the room, unlike my earlier stay here.

But i really dont think this will work out forever. Why? well for one reason its taking far more hours than i expected to earn my room comps, running either $1200, $1500 or $3000 thru the machine when it deals incredibly slow and most of ur bets cannot exceed $1 due to a negative count takes an AWFULLY LONG TIME. now yes, im up around $400 total on these VBJ machines since i started following good bankroll management guidelines. But im running WAY WAY above expectation. my theoretical win should be about $50 or so since i started following these rules, (if im estimating correctly) not $400. it WILL change. but for me, i am just glad im at a much better machine, with a much better comp rate, and no longer have a theoretical loss.

Truth? well i dont know whats going on on LOCK poker. as can be proven by my stats on BCP, i used to do good in DON sngs. even higher limit sngs. i used to tell vook the $20 ones on merge were easier than the $10 ones. I'm actually getting SICK of playing online, (instead of LIVE) but i do want a chance to make money and play poker, and would be bored in the room otherwise, with the exception of candy crush saga on facebook. I do think the better merge players were on lock, and moved over when lock left merge. Also im wondering if a lot of those players are in collusion on lock, i see players calling allins with hands like A6 when its certainly not a good idea a lot of the times in a DON sng where the strategy differs. seems like they only want to bust the ones who arent in the "group".. and its not my chat, because there is NO chat on sngs. i see some pretty weird and horrible play at the $10 and $25 levels and thats why i cant understand whats going on.

truth is, i probably am running bad, and dont have near the sample size needed to know for sure. But not knowing whats up makes me uncomfortable, and makes me feel like maybe i shouldnt play unless im playing LIVE.

So if im tired of playing such long hours and nothing but VBJ, and sick of online low stakes poker, (i feel im playing too low--and thats why i keep wanting to play $25s) what i need to figure out is this, WHEN SHOULD I COME BACK TO VEGAS?

I'm afraid to come back with too little money. afraid my housing and transportation expenses will eat me alive, and ill wind up on the streets broke. The question everyone asks on AVP and 2+2 that no one can ever answer, is how much is needed to get settled in vegas and grind out poker to start off? No one can answer that, it really varies. $1900 is 100x better than $1100. But still, thats NOTHING when u take all those living expenses into account.

I could pay $149 for a week somewhere--and start playing poker at either the suncoast or somewhere else, but am i still good enough to beat the game like i used to be for the last 20 years? or has the rake gotten too high, the players too good, or have my skills deteriorated? i dont really think this is the case though, remember how snevman and others encouraged me to start tracking my poker winnings with my cell phone?

hourly profit $11.55 hr
winning sessions:62

this was around 5 weeks worth of tracking, still a small sample size i know. But these results are ONLY poker, and does show i can clear about $2500 or so a month if i wasnt just running way above average that month. and no that wasnt the riviera tourny, those were all cash games. none of which had exceptionally large wins because i always quit long before that.

it is interesting to know u can lose 43 out of 105 sessions, and still be an overall winner of about $3000. also a bunch of fixed limit sessions at terribles and elsewhere got factored into them results, probably bringing DOWN the average. I dont really think any spread limit sessions got included seeing that game goes in so few casinos and i was always playing where it was convenient to get to, to avoid transportation issues. this is a fault with me, going to where it was most convenient to play, instead of to where i might have done the best. Just because i hated taking buses or paying for cabs.

anyway what im saying is WHEN do i leave the area and go back to ONLY playing poker? should i go ahead and do it NOW (monday that is after the weekends up) and get started with a measly $1900 where i can easily go broke, or just sit here bored to death for a month and hope i dont lose my discipline one of these days if i get stuck too much, maybe play more online, and wait til i have $2500-3000 before i go back into vegas? i just dont know and i get so many conflicting and different answers, even the best of the advisors dont agree. i dont want to risk going back too soon, but am i also taking just as big a risk NOT going back? certainly dont want to risk my life ending up staying in the wrong housing in vegas, like too unsafe of a motel.

I must say, im quite proud and pleased with the cellphone tracking results, im glad others talked me into keeping track. and also now that lightning went home, and Mr Cutts never showed up, i am not sure which reader i know is next coming into vegas. The guy who runs the broken chip, never answered me on twitter or made any effort to meet when he came to vegas.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

tired of NOT playing poker

I shouldnt complain, finally earned my comps for Saturdays room (took me over 2 days since my bets dont total to much and the VBJ is slow dealing very few hands an hour). so now im good til checkout sunday. i remember when i used to be paid up way in advance. This isnt going to be a good long term solution unless i quit spending so much time in my room online. roll is still not much over $1800, and i'm distressed about the fact i still have the allegiant voucher because the deal with seattle irish fell through.

Not only that, i lost all the money on lock but $2 which im in the middle of a sng with now. I sent vook money, and im waiting to hear from him. won $38 today at VBJ, and at one point was up $122. Quit while i was still up, (not nearly as much) and sent most of the winnings to vook.

also im tired of being stuck in this little place out in the middle of nowhere, unable to play poker. thats such a good game out there in summerlin, i should be able to beat it for about $100 a day long term. ($2-6 omaha8). Need to be where i can play more poker. Its nice to know that once im back in vegas, i wont ever be playing any VBJ there or any VP except to pick up various freeplay offers. I'm not going to be wasting what meager money i have on bad machines when theres so much better machines available outside of vegas. That was dumb of me. Not playing those anymore in vegas should help to keep me in action everyday able to pay for my roof.

am still not sure where i can afford to live in vegas. I know of one place, in a not too good area but good bus transportation nearby for $149 a week with fridge and microwave, not too sure if id want to live there, and certainly wouldnt want to tell anyone what part of town its in. The management there might be ok, just not the general area and the other tenants. But i need somewhere where i dont have to "qualify" to movein and can pay only a minuscule amount up front. still my longterm goal is to get settled into a nice place in a good area, kind of like where Poker Johnny stays or Cobblestone Creek. Somewhere id feel safe. or maybe all the way out in summerlin if it just wasnt too expensive. i know that paying somewhere by the month would be so much better than paying by the week as far as saving me alot of money over the longrun.

i fear im being a "fool" by being here and not playing that good game in summerlin everyday as much as i won in it. I'm sure its a lot better use of my time than playing the VBJ. also id like to play more at sams town and at the riv too, if they have the $2-6 going. that game goes so seldom, the riv dont have much going for it except for the location and the quality of the management.

vook seems like he mightve gone out of town, hope he is still checking his mail. i got an auto-reply at his other email hes off for a week. if he wants to be nice and do me a favor that cost him no money, only time, why are others trying to talk him out of it just so i have to suffer more financially?

also these soups are nice to have in the room, but eating just these isnt healthy and will make u feel nauseated if thats all u ever eat. i only wish id had a huge lot of soups when i first came here. shouldve picked up some other food too. but i was trying to spend the bare minimum. Also i really miss not having a fridge, here its $8 a day, nothing free from a host. would never pay that. and is anyone driving up to reno for the pot of gold this year?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Ok, I'm pissed. (actually i shouldnt be, I'm doing well compared to about 3 weeks ago when i was down to $1100 now that im back to $1700 and wouldve been $1800 if seattle irish is still able to buy my allegiant voucher) but i am neverless. why? Because lightning36 said both on twitter (and by text message) that i was a bad friend and treat my friends like shit. i cannot think of a time ive ever done that intentionally, everytime i have it was either because i didnt believe the person was really a friend, or that i wasnt "treating them shitty", or wasnt aware that what i was doing was something that would be considered "shitty". Basically what im saying is that i dont know how to make friends, i guess because of the autism.

Tired of people disappearing out of my life, then blaming me for it, or never being there in the first place. especially when ive reached out to be a friend in the first place. This especially applies to a lot of women who've disappeared. Some of whom i wasnt interested in as a girlfriend because once i got to know them, they werent really a very nice and friendly person, but still felt like they should talk and not ignore me. No, i'm not referring to whom u think i am. She still talks to me, but extremely rare occasions. im talking about people who i found out werent too nice, such as Carmen, whose just a friend on facebook. (remember her friend Amanda who screwed me out of $10 for that picture?)She gets on all the time for the candy crush saga game as far as sending "gifts" back and forth, but as far as answering anything else no replies. just look.

message from me--

candy crush saga? u was never listed on list of people playing this game, must be new. anyway, if uve seen my blog, does the salvation army have any lists of rooming houses for men that are exceptionally cheap like $100 or less by the week to move into without any upfront costs? it would sure keep a lot of people from being homeless, why dont they buy old buildings and rent them to people without other options? some of us are too afraid to stay there because id be sleeping with strange guys and u were safe cause u was in a room exclusively women. i dont see why they cant find someone cheap housing to keep them off the streets. how is anyone supposed to get off the streets without a huge ton of money to pay for a lot of things upfront? this is a service sorely needed.

the one and ONLY message sent back to me is below, NONE of the others were ever responded back to.


Carmen Cincotta

i dunno
im going to alumni tonight though
so i'll ask them



Tony Bigcharles

thanks, hope the comment about avoiding certain family and friends wasnt referring to me, ive never called u to bug u, all i did was send a text one time. i wouldnt think that anyway except for the fact u didnt reply at the time. when im broke i never try to talk to women unless its for something important like asking how the salvation army programs can assist. only time i talk to women is when im doing well and want to celebrate because then i feel like i deserve to be happy, if u understand. i hope they have leads to cheap safe rooming houses. the replies on my blog are suggesting places id have to pay upfront by the month or $150 and up a week (way too high) and whose gonna rent to someone without being able to prove an income at all? this is why i shouldve never let my ssi get cut off, and ive been denied getting back on and need to fight it. i wish id got into a nice safe cheap apt on a 1 yr lease back when i had money. unlike other homeless people i cant spend my last $1200 finding housing, or there goes my last way to earn some money. i have to hold onto it. which makes it harder

November 27


Tony Bigcharles

so what did the salvation army say about housing leads for cheap rooming houses for men?

ur going to the aria blogger event? not me wrong location. no buyin anyway, i need my money.

i too think i could score good on an interview since im good at puzzles for example, bejeweled, candy crush, but as far as places not hiring felons, u are right, and i never know what to say. my felony is much older it was way back in 1990. but im still supposed to list it and i know it will make it hard to get a job, am sick at all the comments on my blog claiming i just dont want to work. sure i think im far more cut out to win the money at games of skill but for all my blog readers to claim i just dont want to work is a damned lie. its because i know i wont get hired. any advice to get rid of the old felony?

Tony Bigcharles
ur friend lightning36 is in town (blogger) and would like to meet u. shall i tell him ur phone? of course, i wouldnt do this without permission
Seen 8:20 Pm

------------------ok u see how i wasnt asking for any type of relationship, no hanging out or anything of the kind, just wanted to know about someone whose had experience in dealing with the inner workings of the salvation army, and about HOW to find a job with a felony conviction. and yet still no replies. u remember the only time i heard from her (except at the beginning) was when she was using drugs over last christmas, right before she entered the jail. even tried to arrange a meeting with lightning to be nice to lightning. felt i owed him something. and u also remember i went down to the jail and put $5 on her books but decided i better not try to visit just in case i had a warrant. and u also remember how when Claudia checked, it was found out that no i had no warrants. she went to 3 different courts.

what im saying is when i try to just be nice, or to ask for advice and dont bug someone in any way, they still arent nice and friendly and helpful. people are essentially just rude to me all the time i feel, and it has a big effect back on how i feel like i should act towards others. i already assume people are evil in nature and unfriendly and unkind, because that is what the Bible (and God) teaches. To say man is basically good is to call God a liar, how can lightning say this and still claim to be a Christian?

copied from the Bible---

Job 15:16
How much more abominable and filthy is man, which drinketh iniquity like water?

Jeremiah. 13:23
Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?
then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Remember the blog i told u about yesterday by poker player and dealer Matt Cheney Christ follower on my facebook page? the one that im sure none of u bothered to read, not even pokerdogg and seattle irish? the one in which i said i feel guilty because i dont alot of times treat others the way God wants us to because i get mad and stressed so easily due to the very stressful life i must go thru? yeah its hard to do the right things in life. Doing the wrong thing is a lot easier, and a lot more human to do also. (notice that i said human, not humane.) anyway what im saying is that sometimes i try to do the right thing, but its not easy or all the time.

but i did try to make lightnings week in vegas an enjoyable one, and i did try to spend as much time with him as possible, because id considered him to be a real friend. im not sure what im thinking this morning. I considered Mark, the room manager at the Riviera to be a friend also, and yet lightning was there when he got mad at me Sunday morning, and then lightning claimed that it was ME who was in the wrong. And all i had said to Mark (after being upset the $2-6 spread limit didnt go that i was told had gone every morning but 1 in the last month) that i would never believe him again. (id lost $46 of a $50 buyin playing NL that i knew better than to play and swore i wouldnt play but i was waiting for lightning). shortly after lightning came, i quit the game about 3 more rounds, and wouldve quit sooner had i known he had a car within walking distance. mark said that it was good that he saw lightning, and that he wish he couldve said the same for me. But he was having a bad day, hed spoke earlier about someone (cant remember who) in his family being sick.

anyway what i was originally going to talk about in this blog, (then got sidetracked and never got around to discussing) was that i was intending to spend the whole time with lightning and having some discussions that we never had about what i need to do and how to get my life in shape. I never once asked lightning for any money, and any favors i wanted that involved him going out to casinos i wouldve repaid for by taking him out to eat at the wynn, either very cheaply or free if it was a big favor. theres nothing else to do with those comps, they cant easily be sold since i have to be in the restaruant with my card. But of course i never told him id pay for it. (didnt feel like i should have to spend "money" to gain a friendship). This is the reason i went back into vegas in the first place, that was discussed in great detail 2 blogs back, along with the bank and laundry of course. and i didnt intend to let him down that first night when he was paging me on twitter, its just i was asleep then.

the 2nd day i made a special effort to see him. But then hed already gone to a concert, which turned out to be quite high, at $58. i also didnt know at the time his brother, a vocal obama supporter, was in town with him. (by special effort i meant re-arrange my sleep schedule in case he could hang out after he busted out of tourney). Then yesterday as u can see above, i made an effort to fix a meeting between him and Carmen, which i know he wouldve enjoyed. Then today, i was wondering why he never texted me back once i told him i was back outside vegas again. id even offered to tell him where if he would make the short drive over here, as long as he gave me my word he wouldnt tell anyone, and he never would give me his word. (i'm afraid to trust him if he isnt willing to give me his word--especially because he told me Prudence's real name and said Rob shouldnt be keeping it a secret in his blog.) also yesterday i alerted a message to him on twitter that seemed like it was from his wife, but it turned out to be another relative instead.

then tonight, after waking up from a 5 hour nap about midnight, seeing no texts from him, and deciding to check his twitter feed, i seen he had met up with "mr subliminal" who is now listed as of a few days ago on my blogroll. i asked him why he had hung out with him (and he also had went and ate with man in black, and im assuming he probably paid for the meal since man in black has no money, and because he paid for my meal at suncoast.). man and black and i both got $20 out of sams town the same way once. on different days in the past 3 months. now as to my knowledge, ive never met mr subliminal or if i have, hes never introduced himself to me that i know of. his blog says hes homeless and has stayed at the mission but from a PM i sent him, i dont know this is really the case. anyway i was just disappointed i never ever get to meet any of these people, so i told lightning how disappointed i was, and how in my opinion i had far more in common with mr subliminal than he did (since i also have no money) and then lightning posted right on twitter for everyone to see for me to "go fuck yourself". now as a representative of Jesus Christ, is that something he should say?

then he claims i treat my friends "shitty". i told him i cant see how. how is being disappointed he didnt spend more time with me "treating my friends shitty?" How is being disappointed others dont care enough about wanting to become a friend and meet me "treating my friends shitty?" he didnt even want to make a short drive from southpoint to see me, where he spent most of the day. how is trying to fix it so he can meet others treating him shitty, or making an effort to spend more time with him?

ive always thought it was my friends who treat me shitty. People who constantly promise me things i need, then never follow thru. Like for example Vince who promised to come get me friday afternoon if i needed it. (then i ended up getting Poker Johnny to do it which worked out far better anyway, not only did he come a lot earlier than Vince wouldve--as it turned out Vince found out he wouldnt been able to after all, so i wouldve found out AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE-AFTER ID HAVE GIVEN UP MY HOTEL ROOM--that i wouldve had no way to get into vegas. Vince has turned out to be totally unreliable about keeping his promises several times in this manner--so it was a good thing i had poker Johnny to depend on).

Now poker Johnny was a really good friend. he only cared about making sure i wasnt left in a bind, and had what i needed, the kind of friend Claudia used to be that i miss. The kind of friend i wish EVERYONE would be (such as Josie and tatude). Most people are no longer there for me when i need them that have really came thru in the past when i was in a bind, even though im in worse shape now. My life would be in worse shape today by far, were it not to have been for people like Claudia and pete peters of DE.

also i appreciate AKgals offer of a coat, but i was worried about how sincere it was, im afraid she was just trying to find out where i am, and thats why i told sickcallmggee to lie to her on his twitter. i dont want anyone knowing where i am. i desperately need this place to stay right now til im in better shape, cant risk losing it. it bothered me she was guessing where i was, and i was worried she might find out where i was.

and another thing, i wasnt in the best of moods last night as i was falling off to sleep and waking up. was so distraught by seattle irish not being able to buy that voucher, i was really already counting the money all weekend, my bankroll is still extremely low compared to almost every other day of the last few years, and thats a lot of money to miss out on. especially since i still dont have nearly enough on Lock. im up to $20 on lock again, but thats hardly anything if i was really going to make it back playing online.

the same guy called me on the phone again yesterday and asked me why i was so dumb to not get a room in vegas and play at the suncoast everyday since i won $172 there. u know he is probably right. its just i am afraid to turn loose of any money til im in better shape.

Monday, December 3, 2012

back home from my vegas vacation with lightning

First off reading this guys blog makes me feel guilty. this is matt chaney on my facebook, who plays poker for a living somewhere in TX. also i think he deals in home games.

nice to be home now, paid my room up til saturday. back out of vegas, and on the way back Johnny and i stopped in to play poker at a couple of places, but only ending up playing in one casino, where i won $43 playing $2-4 limit. then we stopped at food4less and got a ton of ramon noodle cups of soup for 33c each, about 1 6th of what the casino gift shop charges, so now i wont feel hungry in my room anymore.

and ive still got most of the wynn food comps, $127 worth. and ive got about $110 worth of comps at circus. the wynn comps are going to be tough to use since they cant be used on rooms.

waiting to hear from seattle irish later today, should be getting another $105 soon as i can sell him my allegiant voucher. also my roll is at $1600, better than it was when i went to vegas, so im relieved. i am down to $18 on Lock though, so i might need to put money back on there, i hate that.

Started off my trip to vegas feeding poker Johnny in the buffet here before we went to vegas, and then today i fed him again in the buffet at circus before we left town. I paid him to do my laundry for me, and i am so glad to have that done and out of the way. too bad next month he will be out on the east coast unable to assist. Lost over $50 at sams town the first day i came back playing $1-5 stud, the game now goes a little earlier at 7am every morning.

was disappointed the riv didnt get the $2-6 spread limit sunday morning, and only the $1-3 NL game where i quickly lost $46 and left pissed that i ever played it. Lightning showed up, and we walked to where his car was parked over by harrahs, and met his brother on the way. then spent the day at the suncoast, where someone had told me about a good $2-6 spread limit 08 game they said i should easily win $100 or more in. Early on, the game was quite tight, but really loosened up after about 3 hours. Pots started to get big, and i won $172. (yes i know thats way more than i can expect over the long run) but im still glad i was told to go play there. wish i had a place to live near there. was so glad lightning had use a car so we could go over there. Also i had no working cell phone most of that afternoon, and also all of the first day i was in vegas, otherwise lightning and i couldve hung out more often, and hung out sooner.

checked out the new BCP site on that other network, but of course i have no money on BCP. looks like far less sngs available. i wish id not had bad luck everytime i play a $25 sng on lock. last night i played a $25 sng again after losing 3 $5 sngs in a row, thats how my roll on lock dropped.

also i couldve got a free room saturday night at the orleans i found out when i got my mail, also i turned in the key and my box is officially closed now. the free days i had in dec at orleans was 1 day only between dec 1 and dec 6. so i couldve stayed in vegas one more day, but to be at the orleans only 1 day, was too much hassle, also i mightve been charged a resort fee. what id really liked is free days either at suncoast, texas station or sams town. also lightning hasnt seen my blog since hes been in vegas.

so i guess a good longterm solution to my bankroll problems would be to live within one bus of the suncoast, and to be able to play in the $2-6 spread limit omaha8 game as often as possible. (they only play 4 days a week, the other 3 days its hilow stud). but i just cannot believe i would average anything near that big a win every day. Even lightning won in that game as bad as all the players were. surely i could win at least $2000 a month longterm in it? Id just have to be sure i never pissed anyone off that would be the hard part. am a little disappointed i come all the way to vegas for a vacation, offer to take others out to eat, and neither grump, Rob, or grouchie come hang out. only Johnny and lightning. none of whom were glad to see me come to vegas to visit.

yeah i need to find me cheap housing in vegas longterm soon as my roll gets back to over $2500. was hoping i can do that by the end of the year, but ill need to start doing better online. not sure why the bigger sngs lose. the players arent any better. Maybe there are teams working the $25.