Sunday, February 26, 2012

I just get so damned mad all the time

seeing a counselor did nothing to stop me from getting so terribly angry when my moneys disappearing. she asked me to write my feelings down in a notebook but its a pain in the butt to carry one with me everywhere i go, or to type on a cell phone even more so. i just didnt find her advice all that useful, and i felt like i knew better than her anyway.

it was early, and not yet time to head on up the street to the golden nugget, so i went over to the best paying VBJ machine ive ever seen and decided to see a few hands, and limit my max bet to $40 on each of 5 spots, and to only bet that ONCE if it lost so my loss wouldnt be near as huge as the other day, and to have that be the FINAL hand if it didnt win. (now whether i can follow through on that is entirely out of the question). Am pretty sure the reason i get so angry if i do not win, unlike other professional poker players u guys know, is because i am the ONLY ONE who desperately needs the money to survive and cannot get along without it. the other few homeless guys i knew from the harrahs diamond card in even worse straights than me, all of them got quite upset if they lost their case money. no one ever gets mad when they lose if they got the bankroll to back them up, and u guys should already be smart enough to know this, and always understand why someone gets mad.

as smart as i did in high school, in the small private church Christian school i was in, (where i graduated one year ahead) i shouldnt have had to work the rest of my life. what i shouldve been able to do, is to open up a business and have other people doing the work for me, or just to be able to use my brain to make money and not my hands. other rich people dont have to work, only poor people have to work, and is a reason i feel so bitter towards rich people. i did at one point run my own business at age 18-21 but i never made any money off my publishing newspaper efforts and i didnt have any employees. sometimes i paid people to typeset things but they werent employees.

anyway i get mad, when i lose, because i feel subconciously that if other people were not being assholes, that for me to lose would be mathamatecilly impossible, and i feel like the only thing other dealers and players enjoy seeing more than me losing, is going out and molesting little kids. i feel like most people would kill their own mother if they knew it would cause me to lose my money. why i feel this way, i dont really know. But ive learned a long time ago if u had mental problems and a speech defect, most people just think its ok to be an asshole to u. so my only line of defense is to be an asshole back to others. they started it, i didnt. It would take an enormous bankroll and no stress about how id pay my bills for me to ever get over being mad at others when i lose.

so im sitting there on the VBJ, and im actually up about $140 and feeling good, and think the count is also pretty good, with about 40 cards to go til the shuffle imo. then all of sudden a woman and her husband or BF come sit down, and of course i dont wanna get up due to the high count for the next few hands, and the fact im on the machine that stands on soft 17 and the one next to it hits soft 17. another reason it bothers me so much when tourists sit down is because im often counting out loud, trying to know both the count and how far til the shuffle it is at all times. and if anyone talks to me (even the waitress)it will cause me to lose track. Remember how i went off on borzi last year not knowing it was him, and i never got a good look at him and still dont know what he looks like? i assume hes the old man at binions whose with the poker dealer who used to always dress like a whore, but now dresses conservatively since she dont work in the party pit anymore. But it might be a different guy. anyway, i dont like anyone talking to me while playing, and especially no one behind watching.

and of course i dont like tourists either, i feel like they are stupid and have no sense, and are the sole reason casinos offer such bad games and payouts. For if no one played reel slots, or 6-5 BJ, or machines with bad payouts, none of those games would exist and casinos would start offering a lot of games paying over 100% to try and attract business like they used to 20 yrs ago. back then it was rare to find a casino paying less than 100% on its slots.

But as dumb as people are nowdays, casinos can get away with anything.

anyway im sitting there they come up and sit, and on my next hand i have 3 bets of $20 out, lose all 3 hands, then have 3 bets of $30 out lose 2 of 3, and am quite pissed they sat, on the final hand before the shuffle lose 1 bet overall of 3 bets of $50, and 2 pushes. so im now stuck over $100, and am really pissed, they move over to the other machine and said its not their fault i bet so much.

shows how dumb and stupid they are. if i wasnt raising my bet anymore with the wonderful count just because they sat, i shouldnt be playing should i? cant let superstitions affect my bets can i?

man are tourists annoying and hard to tolerate especially when they cost u money on a poker table due to their poor play. and whats worse is how they dont understand how a professional feels when his familys bread been taken out of his mouth because they dont gamble for a living. well enough of me preaching, time to head on over to the real poker game. lost 1 $20 sng and won one. about $157 on BCP.

someday i only hope to have the bankroll to take advantage of the tourists instead of always being hurt so badly financially by others in the casinos. ive learned one thing about poker in 20 yrs of experience, how well u play really doesnt matter much over the long run, the only thing that really determines whether u will be a success at poker is the size of ur roll. knowing that piece of wisdom is what enables me to eke out enough to survive and to keep chuggin along.

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